Tuesday, November 4, 2014

A Circle Completed?

Finally got level. Hope it lasts. Nearly two weeks after my last posting, I finally started to feel some sort of relief. It took the full six weeks to get there. That was a long, long time. I had to put myself in the position of feeling like shit before I could appreciate how shitty it really was.

Big step this last weekend. Went to my nephew's baptism and saw mom for the first time in nearly a year. Christ, she's so weird. I knew she was fucking weirdo, but it took the distance to really see it. No one will be shocked that absolutely nothing has changed about her. Blank eyes, a ghoulish love of sharing the misfortune of others. She is full of nothing. She was at that baptism because, of course, it was AN IMPORTANT EVENT and a CHRISTLY event that she should attend, but I not once saw her address her little grandson who was baptized except to insist that she get her picture taken with my sister and baby boy.

Directly after the event, my sister & her fam had to leave because they were having a reception at their home, which mom wasn't attending. I'm sure she would've, but no one would give her a ride there and drive her the hour and a half back to her place at her convenience. Too bad, eh? My sister was aware that I wasn't terribly comfortable with mom and lingered until I told her to go on ahead, that I would wait until mom's ride got there from "just down the road." My husband and boy went on to our car, because it was windy as fuck and not super pleasant outside, and I didn't need her fawning over my guys and being stupider than usual. So, we're standing there, and her ride doesn't come and doesn't come. I'm starting to resent standing there with her because I feel like somehow her ride didn't really want to come back and get her, and I wasn't about to offer to take her anywhere. Half an hour later, her ride arrives, after she's gleefully recited all the bad news she can possibly store in her wanting warehouse of a mind. Her ride is her brother and sis-in-law. They finally fucking pull up, and mom just stands outside with me in the wind instead of making a farewell gesture to me and walking to their vehicle. So, uncle awkwardly exits the car and gives me an awkward hug, and so does auntie, and dumbass mom asks them if they want to walk over and say hi to my family who are sitting in a car at the other end of the lot ON PURPOSE. I simply said that wasn't necessary and I needed to leave, which I did.

So, because of mom, I was much later to this family event than I wanted to be, but overall, I felt pretty positive about how things played out. She couldn't manipulate me into taking her anywhere, despite what may possibly (probably) have been a planned delay in her ride getting there. My decision to stay there with her was made to benefit my sister. Mom couldn't manipulate my guys because they got the fuck out of the way. And all I saw when I listened to her bullshit, and in the way she hugged me and whispered, "I really do love you, you know," while ignoring her grandbaby, is how ridiculous it all is. She is a shadow. She's a shell who seems to spark on the giving of bad news, the almost Munchausen-by-Proxy way she loves to tell a sad story belonging to someone else. All the drama that I've caused myself over whether I was making the right decision to go NC/LC has made absolutely no difference, except that now I see more clearly. All the feelings I attributed to her were mine. She might truly be deeply happy with me if I kicked the bucket and she got to tell a bunch of people, preferably in a church situation. Oh, the time I spent giving a shit.

"Coincidentally," a former friend of mine called me out of the blue today and asked me to go to a rock concert with her. I love rock music, but I have no compunction to body-surf with the young and gorgeous at an alt-rock concert mid-week with a person I've talked to maybe once in the past two years. Thanks, but no thanks. Strange, you know? I'm being challenged to step up and just say no to people who I rarely used to say no to. In less than 24 hours, two of 'em.