Friday, April 17, 2015

What Does It Mean?

Christ on a cracker. I had hoped my mental health would be improving as years go by, but I'm sort of fucked up right now.

Not drunk or high or anything like that, which might be more acceptable to me. Just that my mind is not working correctly and I think some diagnosis may be forthcoming that I have been ignoring for a long time.

All the things that I have been proud of myself for hinge on my apparent resiliency in any given situation. I think I've been faking it. Just a big fucking faker.

The rage still burns my insides up, boils my brain, makes me feel dark and red at the same time. I want to cry and vomit and scream it all out, but it won't leave.

I put on my facade and go to work and pretend I'm doing ok. I pretend at home, too. My husband knows I'm not feeling well, but he has no idea. The fact is there is no one in my personal life I can trust to help me through this because I feel like I have to be the one that has to be strong for everyone else, and it fucking sucks. I feel trapped. I am trapped.

I know I need help. I have decided to go back to therapy to try to understand things, to try to cope. My problem is presenting as a problem of acceptance. I cannot accept the way certain people are, why the world is the way it is. Thought my attitude was getting better, but it's not. Telling me to brush it off and let it go feels impossible. Why don't more people CARE? Why does it have to be like this??? Why can't people be good parents? Why are people so content to let others raise their children, to provide for their families? Why won't people keep sex offenders away from their children? Doesn't anybody give a shit??

The world seems impossible. Life feels like a bunch of disjointed motions. What is the point?

Is the only answer really medicating myself into happy? I fear that's so, and it's necessary to be a good mother to my children. But the medicine I'm taking now is not helping and I'm disheartened because the search for the right medicine/combination of medicines is so frightening.

I desperately want to feel better.