Thursday, October 20, 2016

The Bitter End

My mom died this week. Today was the visitation. Everyone spoke of how kind and loving she was, all her church friends and her brother. No one has been awful to me for not being close to her, though i had expected some of that. I just, I KNOW, how she really was with me, and people kept coming up to me and saying stuff like, "Don't be hard on yourself," or "She really loved you, let that comfort you." So, I know she's talked about me and some aspects of our relationship to people who are strangers to me. The thing is, everyone really loved her. Nothing but glowing glowyness about how wonderful she was. Even though no one was mean with me about things, it's clear that the self she reserved for me was completely different than what others got. She was considered to be so self-sacrificing. I suppose it's possible that if she didn't see any boundary between me and her that it made it easier for her to sacrifice me, too, and then to have no fucking idea why I'm so angry and violated by her attitude toward me.  These people have never seen her be childish and demanding and I don't wonder that they can't comprehend that it's not just me, something wrong with me and my attitude towards her. So I thank all these well-meaning people, and pat them and accept their condolences while my stomach is twisting, and I know that as much as I wanted that fantasy of a genuine come-to-Jesus moment it never would have happened. I'm the only one in the world that seems to have had this experience of her, and it feels sick and lonely.