Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Big step this last weekend. Went to my nephew's baptism and saw mom for the first time in nearly a year. Christ, she's so weird. I knew she was fucking weirdo, but it took the distance to really see it. No one will be shocked that absolutely nothing has changed about her. Blank eyes, a ghoulish love of sharing the misfortune of others. She is full of nothing. She was at that baptism because, of course, it was AN IMPORTANT EVENT and a CHRISTLY event that she should attend, but I not once saw her address her little grandson who was baptized except to insist that she get her picture taken with my sister and baby boy.
Directly after the event, my sister & her fam had to leave because they were having a reception at their home, which mom wasn't attending. I'm sure she would've, but no one would give her a ride there and drive her the hour and a half back to her place at her convenience. Too bad, eh? My sister was aware that I wasn't terribly comfortable with mom and lingered until I told her to go on ahead, that I would wait until mom's ride got there from "just down the road." My husband and boy went on to our car, because it was windy as fuck and not super pleasant outside, and I didn't need her fawning over my guys and being stupider than usual. So, we're standing there, and her ride doesn't come and doesn't come. I'm starting to resent standing there with her because I feel like somehow her ride didn't really want to come back and get her, and I wasn't about to offer to take her anywhere. Half an hour later, her ride arrives, after she's gleefully recited all the bad news she can possibly store in her wanting warehouse of a mind. Her ride is her brother and sis-in-law. They finally fucking pull up, and mom just stands outside with me in the wind instead of making a farewell gesture to me and walking to their vehicle. So, uncle awkwardly exits the car and gives me an awkward hug, and so does auntie, and dumbass mom asks them if they want to walk over and say hi to my family who are sitting in a car at the other end of the lot ON PURPOSE. I simply said that wasn't necessary and I needed to leave, which I did.
So, because of mom, I was much later to this family event than I wanted to be, but overall, I felt pretty positive about how things played out. She couldn't manipulate me into taking her anywhere, despite what may possibly (probably) have been a planned delay in her ride getting there. My decision to stay there with her was made to benefit my sister. Mom couldn't manipulate my guys because they got the fuck out of the way. And all I saw when I listened to her bullshit, and in the way she hugged me and whispered, "I really do love you, you know," while ignoring her grandbaby, is how ridiculous it all is. She is a shadow. She's a shell who seems to spark on the giving of bad news, the almost Munchausen-by-Proxy way she loves to tell a sad story belonging to someone else. All the drama that I've caused myself over whether I was making the right decision to go NC/LC has made absolutely no difference, except that now I see more clearly. All the feelings I attributed to her were mine. She might truly be deeply happy with me if I kicked the bucket and she got to tell a bunch of people, preferably in a church situation. Oh, the time I spent giving a shit.
"Coincidentally," a former friend of mine called me out of the blue today and asked me to go to a rock concert with her. I love rock music, but I have no compunction to body-surf with the young and gorgeous at an alt-rock concert mid-week with a person I've talked to maybe once in the past two years. Thanks, but no thanks. Strange, you know? I'm being challenged to step up and just say no to people who I rarely used to say no to. In less than 24 hours, two of 'em.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
I had a terrible, fragile weekend. All the dark things crept up on me, and they were so dark and cold. I bounced back on Monday, thankfully. I haven't had an episode like that for 10 years. The hungry ghosts wanted their pound of flesh in the most intense and lonely way. A little gift from my childhood and DNA. All I can do is stamp my foot and insist the ghosts won't take me. It's excruciatingly humbling to feel their strength. I cut the ties. I cut the ties.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
How can a kid respect such a stupid person? A person who didn't plan to have a family, but, whoops - the babies just happened. Or, my life sucks, so let's bring a child into this situation. A person who demands you respect them because THEY MADE YOU, you wouldn't be here because of them, in this fine, lovely, warm-and-fucking-fuzzy life they've given you. When a good night in the house is the only night both of the parents are gone - maybe with their very-important-friends, but you are not allowed to have friends because YOU ARE A CHILD. I CAN HAVE THESE FRIENDS BECAUSE I MADE YOU. I can have friends who leer at you, I can have friends with obscene criminal backgrounds, I can have friends who are STUPIDLIKEME because my child/ren don't have the right to care who I surround myself/them with. You have to feed yourself (I bought the fucking food, can't you cook it?), clothe yourself (if you don't like your 3 sizes too small clothes, fuck you!) and survive without any real humanity. And to top the shit off, YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH ME. What a revelation.
I see this theme so often, and it hits close to home. My parents didn't bang dope, but they are/were stupid, stupid people, and I feel lots of empathy for these kids who are just trying to grow up so they can get the hell out. If their parents weren't narcissists to begin with, their addictions made them so. I'm a little tired of people using their, "I'm sick. It's a sickness." It might be a sickness, and it's not a fucking excuse.
That goes for your straight narcissists, too. No excuse.
Quit making babies you can't give love to. Just quit. You can't raise them, and you don't have any right to tell them how to raise themselves if you can't even wipe your own ass without a map.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
I've been continuing with meditation and trying to heal myself. I've been immersing in things I enjoy, especially genealogy. My latest kick is DNA genealogy, and in the spirit, I did a DNA test to try to track down some family history. I then uploaded my raw data to a website that scans it and lets you know if there are any red flags. Turns out that, genetically, anyway, I have two mutations that are known to cause hemochromatosis, an excess of iron buildup in the body. I'm waiting for the blood tests to come back to see if I am affected, and now the burden is on me to contact all my aunts & uncles to let them know they may have this genetic thing. Oh, yeah, I've got to tell my mother, too.
So, I'm sticking with a looser version of the form letter I found on the CDC website to inform family members. They're getting a letter. I greatly fear that when mother gets her letter, she will take it as an invitation to start up again. So, I'm panicky and keep putting off sending the letters.
It's a test. I made it four months and now I'm being forced to approach the gates and whistle to see if the dogs come a-runnin'. I'm arming myself with pepper spray and a fight-or-flight prep, and I don't want to have to do this. Ssshhhhhhhhit.
Friday, January 31, 2014
It wasn't that long ago I was defending her and in denial about her manipulations. In a biblical phrase, which appropriate for her bible-thumping ways, "For now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face..." (1 Corinthians 13:12) She used to say how she preferred the King James version, but I couldn't speak as to her preference now that she can't shove her beliefs down my throat.
I can just BE.