I've been having multiple health problems over the last couple of years. I'm not sure why and I'm trying to find some answers. I'm horrified that a co-worker of mine thinks that I am a hypochondriac. First of all, it's none of her goddamn business. Second of all, it would be a fucking relief to be a hypochondriac. I made the mistake of sharing some of what was going on with me in the hopes that she would understand. The bulk of what I got back was how much slack she's had to carry for me and how she has become resentful. I don't deny that she has a right to feel that way. But I know I'm not a hypochondriac. For the last couple of years I haven't been able to think right. I have a Swiss cheese brain, and I can't remember a lot. I can't find my words. I stutter. The memory problems started most of this, and I believed it was the clonazepam that I was taking, very moderately mind you, that was causing it. And I've been working my way off of it. For a while my memory didn't get better. And when was I was on a miniscule amount of the drug, everything got worse. My mantra has been keep your head down and concentrate. I've had a multitude of odd symptoms, like strange pains, vibrations moving throughout my body, sometimes just on one half of my body, sometimes not at all, and I didn't seek any help for this until my medical doctor sent me for an EMG, which showed mild carpal tunnel syndrome, which I would expect since I do type. When I got the results of that back the doctor's office said these are the results and I asked but what about my legs, my feet, why are they going numb, what does that mean. So then I was referred to a neurologist, of my choosing, and had an hour-long overview interview and he did all the little tests like walk on the back of your feet walk on the sides of your feet just check your reflexes etc and some things weren't quite right but nothing was seriously wrong. He had me go in and get a brain MRI with and without contrast, which showed a few scattered signal abnormalities, with one particular abnormality on my colossal septum, which might indicate some sort of demyelinating disease. I was then sent for MRIs on my upper and middle back, which showed no lesions of any kind, just a fucked up back. Then I was asked to get another EMG by a sub specialist at this hospital which showed absolutely no carpal tunnel symptoms of any kind. So I've been waiting to speak to the neurologist, which I know is not going to answer all my questions, but I just want to get it done. The appointment date came and the hospital had to cancel because some fuck stick screwed up their web security. So now I'm rescheduled for another month out, and I really just want to get this visit done. I hadn't shared any of this with anyone that I worked with except my boss to a small degree because he indicated that I might not be rehired next year because of budget cuts. Anyway, my concern about insurance had me in such a concern that I did say something to my boss, which I maybe shouldn't have done. But I hadn't said anything else to the other two office girls, mostly because I was ashamed of how stupid I've become. This afternoon, I went to talk to one of the office girls who seemed to be chiding me for first of all not telling her what's been going on with me, and then suggesting I not worry because she's been in this place before with worries of her own like MS, and then she said, I know you've had a lot of things going on, I mean could you be a hypochondriac? And my heart took an arrow. I just wanted to explain to her that I'm trying to figure out why my memory is so awful. And now I realize she wouldn't give a shit anyway, because she's angry. I hate that she's thought less of me, but I don't even know who I am. That she said to me we miss the old Bessie, the happy confident Bessie that we haven't seen for probably a year and a half. It's hard to be fucking confident when your mantra is keep your head down and concentrate so you don't open your mouth and look like a fucking fool when you can't help it. I don't know why her opinion hurts me, except that I've been taking Coronavirus very seriously, and I was out a couple days last week waiting for the results of a test, because I had a sore throat and my son had a sore throat was sneezing, and my concern was going back to work and maybe exposing her and my other coworker. She has an elderly mom, and the other coworker is concerned about her grandkids. And then I discover the coworker whose mom I was so worried about thinks that sometimes I should just get over it because sometimes it's just a sore throat, and this kept her from seeing her mom last weekend. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't do the right thing ever to please the people I want to, and I can't please myself. If there was an old me she's not here anymore, she's gone. It could be my mental health. Maybe my brain has lesions because of my long history of anxiety and depression. I know that's a distinct possibility. But it doesn't change the fact that something's wrong with my thinking more than any of the other physical shit that's gone on, and this coworker says it always seems to be something. I asked her, can you tell me, like is it when I was limping because my joints hurt? Oh no, nothing like that, just you know you had your stomach problems and then...You know what? I've been going to doctors trying to figure out what the fuck is going on, and I'm trying not to let myself get eaten alive. She doesn't know how fucking selfish her statement was. Because even though she's been scared before, our experiences do not exactly line up, and if I'm crazy it's because I'm truly ill in my brain, there's something going on I don't know how to fix.
