Monday, September 17, 2012

Snarky Little Fuckers

Certain people have that uber-critical air about them that nothing can shed them of. The thing you did correctly yesterday is now the very thing you know better than to have done today, in their haughty eye. Well, here's how I feel about this snifter of bu-shwa:

Fuck off. I have learned to accept that I cannot please you whether or not I try, so just take a fucking leap. I see now that this is YOUR problem, and this is what makes you a very difficult person to be around. The things that you want change with the breeze. I wish you had it in you to change, but - Wish in one hand, shit in the other - see which one fills up first! And all I get for wishing is a handful of crap. If you like me - if you loathe me - it doesn't matter to me right now. I am what I am, and what I am  most of all right now is pissed. So there. I know I cannot say this shit to your face without creating a war that is unwinnable, so I will take my strikes right here - where anyone who has had to deal with the likes of  you can commiserate and get in their jabs, too.

Yes, ma'am. If you could just fuck right on off over there, that'd be great. Mmmmmkay?

3 comments:

  1. HAHHAH I have no comment.
    Just a great post.

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  2. Ohhh, the "ubers" of the world. How "conveniently" predictable they are in some of their personal "habits" as well as their "Professional" obsessional mind-fuckery. I observed the "Habits" of one such perp at my workplace carefully. (They ARE creatures of habit.) And noted their "Preferred" containers into which their lunch meals were placed which then were placed in the communal fridge at work.
    After one more (last) day of "uberness" I stopped at the Dollar Store on the way home and purchased the same type of containers the uber-perp used, brought it home, made a trip to the shed and brought in the stuff you NEVER want to keep in your residence: "Doe In Heat." This "Perfume" for bucks, dogs-you name it (so that gives you some idea of the "scent") was then carefully poured into a matching "uber" container, bottle brought back to the shed, container left on the kitchen counter over night so it could reach it's full...."bouquet."
    The next day I brought my lunch to work and conveniently left the uber-container in a drawer in my office desk while my lunch went into the communal fridge. Shortly before uber-perp was to go to the fridge for lunch, I brought the faux uber-container down to the fridge and stuck it in with the other uber-perp's containers and returned to my office and left the door open.
    Within minutes, I heard the perp making their way down the hall to the fridge. Very shortly there after there was this gawd-awful screeching/screaming (could easily have closed the door for that one.) As everyone was rushing out of their offices, I wandered down to find uberness in beyond my wildest dreams/expectations "distress" as apparently they had knocked the container over in their "distress" resulting in a "Doe In Heat" spill all over their clothing, necessitating uber-perp had to leave for the rest of the day. I can assure you, every male dog (and other large male animals) within miles will smell that stuff and hump the living hell out of it-minimally. Uberness had 3 lap-type dogs which no doubt were positively orgasmic when their owner returned. You can't get that scent out, no way, no how. Even if we can't smell it, dogs CAN. Dry cleaning won't do it, bleach won't do it, fabric softener may allow the owner to THINK they're safe, but.....
    I believe absolute confidentiality is a necessity in such situations. I did NOT disclose to any of my fellow sufferers, which gave them absolute immunity under questioning and since I keep a very low profile and a very straight face around uber-perps, I'd be the last "suspect." This ratcheted up uber-perp's paranoia exponentially and ratcheted down the "uberness" we suffered for the duration of uber's presence at my place of employment. Ubers come, ubers go. The Hardcore know this and wait them out while playing on their uber qualities of predictability. Even after uber left, no one was ever able to figure out who "done it." I'd just shrug my shoulders and say, "Huh. Dunno...." ;)
    So if you have a communal fridge or a parking lot out of view without security cameras and vehicles are left unlocked, try "Doe in Heat." A lil' sprinkle inside a vehicle, a room-temp container filled with the perfume of wildlife and dogs works wonders. I can attest to it's efficacy with "Uber Undesirables." And dogs love it too (how appropriate.) I would absolutely highly recommend it for "Uber-Aid." It is their very smugness and predictability that makes it sooo easy and so....satisfying. :) Just handle the container with disposable gloves given your employment situation. In fact, I'd use disposable gloves any way in case of an accidental spill/drip on your hands.
    TW

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