Last night when I got home, I picked through my mail. One of the packages was a largeish priority mail, and I thought it was my shipment of tea, so I ripped into it. When I peeked inside, there was a package wrapped in gift wrap. Without taking the package out of the mailer, I flipped the mailer over and looked at the handwriting on the back. Fuck. That's mom's handwriting. Then I think, well, maybe she's sending an early Christmas present for my little one. So I pull the package out and find a "To Bessie, with Love, Mom" sticker on the side.
I'm not opening that shit for anything. It's going back to her unopened and with a note telling her that I don't want gifts, I want to be left alone. The more distance I get from her, the more keenly I feel the manipulation when it occurs. I haven't talked to her for months, since before the letter communications, and I haven't communicated anything to her between my post where she sent me the flowery/snide birthday card. Now she's sending me a gift-wrapped present by mail? So, I'm like a 4-year-old who she can lure back to her fold with some gift? Also, the passive-aggressiveness that goes along with this burns my ass. I haven't talked Christmas at all with her or my DS, so this lets me know she believes she won't see me at Christmas. If you're not going to see me at Christmas (which I know, and obviously she knows), send my kids something, asshole. Don't give me shit. I'm insulted, and I see how much she doesn't fucking know me at all.
Ugh, I can understand this shit pissing you off. The first thought I had was how odd it was to send something to you only (and ick on the "Bessie" shit). And notice it showed up WELL in advance of Christmas....plenty of time for you to feel guilty and reciprocate/bend to her manipulation. And it is horribly passive-aggressive.
ReplyDeleteI received a text from my NSis yesterday, asking if I had any gift suggestions for my father. Seriously, WTF? She and I haven't really "spoken" (aside from a few random texts in over a year. And then she just texts like everything's normal (and I'm going to jump back into her pre-determined role for me as "care taker").
What goes through their minds?!? Do they really think it's like we got our panties in a bunch and we'll just "get over it"?
I'm sorry you're dealing with this shit too. I'm glad you are sending it back.
Throw it in the garbage or regift it. Don't give her the satisfaction of getting a note or getting the gift back. Any response makes a narc happy.
ReplyDeleteJust dump it, Bess. Screaming silence in return.
ReplyDeleteDrives 'em crazy, saves you time, energy, effort and $$. All of which she's already been the beneficiary of over your entire lifetime. You gave enough of all the aforementioned. It never made a bit of difference.
It never will.
So why give her any more?
TW
Thanks for your input, all. Part of why I sent the gift back is the woman doesn't have a pot to piss in, and I can only hope she returns the damned whatever-it-is and uses the money for something necessary. If she doesn't return it, at least she will never be able to come back at me with the cost of the gift she bought me.
ReplyDeleteCorrect.
ReplyDeleteNow she'll be able to come back at you for being such a shit to return her munificence .
She has both the Freedom-AND the RESPONSIBILITY to determine how she's gonna use her income. The same as we all do. Attempting to use logic, reason-and even compassion-will bite you in the ass just as surely as if you had vacuum-wrapped a turd and sent it in reciprocation. Refusing to participate in any manner in the preordained script sends IMO the most powerful message of Freedom from NPs: No "Hard Feelings," just....nothing.
Bess, you want to talk about the other "Part" or any "Part" where you said above, "Part of the reason why.."? and no, you're certainly aren't obligated to in any way. You owe no one-including me-a damn thing including your reasoning.
Just wanna make that crystal clear ;)
TW
I had to think about this one for awhile. I think my ego was the primary reason I had to return the gift. I felt tainted by even having it in my possession, and I couldn't feel comfortable until I'd passed it back to her. I felt like if she thought I'd accepted the gift in any way, I couldn't bear it. It was like being asked to chew just one more bite of the shit sandwich.
ReplyDeleteBess, I can completely understand that. I think we all have to weigh what the best options for us are at any given time. Narcs are tricky and there isn't a one size fits all response (even with the same narc).
DeleteI can see that it wasn't really about inducing drama by sending the thing back, but about needing to clearly state (AGAIN) that this is not OK with you and crosses your boundary. Sending supporting hugs. J