Christ on a cracker. I had hoped my mental health would be improving as years go by, but I'm sort of fucked up right now.
Not drunk or high or anything like that, which might be more acceptable to me. Just that my mind is not working correctly and I think some diagnosis may be forthcoming that I have been ignoring for a long time.
All the things that I have been proud of myself for hinge on my apparent resiliency in any given situation. I think I've been faking it. Just a big fucking faker.
The rage still burns my insides up, boils my brain, makes me feel dark and red at the same time. I want to cry and vomit and scream it all out, but it won't leave.
I put on my facade and go to work and pretend I'm doing ok. I pretend at home, too. My husband knows I'm not feeling well, but he has no idea. The fact is there is no one in my personal life I can trust to help me through this because I feel like I have to be the one that has to be strong for everyone else, and it fucking sucks. I feel trapped. I am trapped.
I know I need help. I have decided to go back to therapy to try to understand things, to try to cope. My problem is presenting as a problem of acceptance. I cannot accept the way certain people are, why the world is the way it is. Thought my attitude was getting better, but it's not. Telling me to brush it off and let it go feels impossible. Why don't more people CARE? Why does it have to be like this??? Why can't people be good parents? Why are people so content to let others raise their children, to provide for their families? Why won't people keep sex offenders away from their children? Doesn't anybody give a shit??
The world seems impossible. Life feels like a bunch of disjointed motions. What is the point?
Is the only answer really medicating myself into happy? I fear that's so, and it's necessary to be a good mother to my children. But the medicine I'm taking now is not helping and I'm disheartened because the search for the right medicine/combination of medicines is so frightening.
I desperately want to feel better.
I know how you feel I think coming from the toxic sludge of narcissism makes us all feel fake. Faking it is how we kept from losing our mind. You would have to have been crazy to remain sane.
ReplyDeleteHi Bess, I feel like you do all the time too. Oh, gee, you did a very good job explaining it, its a daily struggle. You don't need to be strong for anyone, and its good that you/we get to come to blogging world to let it all out.
ReplyDeleteThis rage? OMG, I want to throw my mother on the ground and stomp away. Even let my children stomp on her and all the generations after, for we will be affected by this beast for a while to come. Don't worry, I'm not violent, I meant "stomp" as a metaphor.
It sure feels good to let it all out. Sorry, I have no advice, I wish I did.
I have to remind myself daily that acceptance does not mean approval or forgiveness, it's just kind of a thought, "Yeah they're assholes. No they'll never change." Of course, not having to deal with their BS anymore is a bonus.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I accept is that some people should never have been parents because they're simply incapable of loving anyone other than themselves. It's not that we're unlovable, it's just that we had parents that were broken even before we came along. We didn't break them, we can't fix them and it's not our responsibility any way. People like you and I were conditioned to think we had to take care of and parents, in my case a sibling, and everyone else that comes into our lives. It's hard to overcome but now I stop and think...is this my job or am I riding in on my white charger in hopes of being liked/loved? Most times, just like I finally did with my parents, I'm able to walk away with a clear conscience.
Finally, my greatest revenge has been the ability to live a serene, fulfilling life without the constant drama of dealing with my family. Yes, happiness is the best revenge!
You're doing the right thing by getting professional help Bess, you deserve to feel well and happy.
Most times I feel like Brian Wilson wrote this song for me.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46IQu0yuJzU
I'm a cork on the ocean
Floating over the raging sea
How deep is the ocean?
How deep is the ocean?
I lost my way
Hey hey hey
I'm a rock in a landslide
Rolling over the mountainside
How deep is the valley?
How deep is the valley?
It kills my soul
Hey hey hey
I'm a leaf on a windy day
Pretty soon I'll be blown away
How long will the wind blow?
How long will the wind blow?
Ohhhh
Until I die
Until I die
this because I feel like I have to be the one that has to be strong for everyone else, and it fucking sucks. I feel trapped. I am trapped."
ReplyDeletethis is my life though I've never admitted it to myself before