Last summer I had boundless energy, and initially it appeared I was headed in the right direction after years of being exhausted and sleeping at every chance, though during those years I felt calm and mostly stable.
The energy helped me accomplish a lot of modest goals last year. I spent much of my time on missions of my choosing when I wasn't slogging through misery at work.
The other day when I was reading back through my blog, it's plain my posts from last year were unhappy ones.
The truth of last year is in what I accomplished. I welcomed traveling to see a childhood best friend I hadn't seen in years. I bought plane tickets so my younger son could try flying. I socialized with my husband and made myself go on golf outings. I painted the house and garage by myself. I went on vacation with my sister. I didn't do this stuff because I was happy and content; I did things I thought I wouldn't be here to do in the future.
I was quietly suicidal and equally hoping that a deadly illness would strike me. I was pushing for the illness so my husband and kids wouldn't have to know how much I really wanted to die. I could not see the future in a favorable way and I was in hell. Obviously, I needed the hospitalization that I got late last year. It's easier to put all the blame for my breaking down on the Xanax and the paradoxical reaction than admit how badly I was losing my shit.
It occurs to me that the timing of my breakdown happened a couple years after separating from NM. Overall, a very positive separation, but my natural predispositions and my struggle to define myself separate from her have been very taxing. NM had her nervous breakdown a couple of years after her mother died - a forced separation, but a separation nonetheless. Maybe she didn't know how to define herself without her NM either.
That's my motto. If I can't sleep maybe I can put someone else to sleep. Trust me. End stage disease's are not all they are cracked up to be. Just think that no matter how long you live you will be dead longer. That was the only one liner my narc mother EVER laughed at.
ReplyDeleteI'm appalled at how selfish my mind is when I'm sick...and equally appalled at my complete lack of insight when my mind for there. I feel pretty shitty knowing there are lots of people who can't take life for granted, and years of my life have been devoted to my sick head. I really hope I haven't offended any of you. It's a pretty ugly truth.
ReplyDeleteNot at all. At my worst of being sick and for the first time, I viewed suicide as a viable option. Back then I went from working construction to not being able to walk from the back of the house to the front without sitting down and resting, and I got there in the span of a few months. I went down that road far enough to look around, but left before it started to rule my thinking. I would much rather you share your thoughts about it and let us talk to you and not go out and just disappear off our radar. Do you still have my e-mail address? If you want to talk get in touch with me. OK? ok.
ReplyDeleteIn the blink of an eye, I went from never being sick a day in my life, other than a bit of arthritis, to having my 1st ambulance ride and a near death experience in ER then two weeks (I think because it was a blur) in the hospital. Back home I became a huge burden, not even able to make a sandwich or, worst of all drive myself to an seemingly endless round of medical appointments and tests. Terrified by what had happened, I toyed with the idea of ODing on my meds to put myself and everyone else outta their misery.
ReplyDeleteThat brought the shocking revelation of how many times I've contemplated suicide in the course of my life, in connection with the way I was treated by my parents: "I'll show them, they,ll be sorry/miss me when I'm gone. In fact they would for a few seconds but would promptly have found another doormat. Not before my father said, "The stupid bitch committed suicide." then forget me completely.
Spewing to my blogger buddies who have shared experiences and listen without judgement has pulled me back from the brink many times.
No idea yet what really happened to me or if it will happen again. Meanwhile, I wake up everyday and try to focus on the people that truly love me and sterr clear of those who only want to hurt or use me.
Bess my consolation is hoping a did enough for the people around me to compensate for the burden of me being sick. I KNOW you have gone above and beyond the call of motherly duty. Take comfort in that, and know your son would have a horrible life if not for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, guys. This post was hard to write. There are lots of good things in my life, and you are good, too. You help me find faith in humanity.
ReplyDeleteThe only reason I'm still here is because the damn weather didn't cooperate. "Fool proof plan"-HA!
ReplyDeleteBess, do you have an email or do you have mine? I can't find your's. Help!
TW