Thursday, October 20, 2016

The Bitter End

My mom died this week. Today was the visitation. Everyone spoke of how kind and loving she was, all her church friends and her brother. No one has been awful to me for not being close to her, though i had expected some of that. I just, I KNOW, how she really was with me, and people kept coming up to me and saying stuff like, "Don't be hard on yourself," or "She really loved you, let that comfort you." So, I know she's talked about me and some aspects of our relationship to people who are strangers to me. The thing is, everyone really loved her. Nothing but glowing glowyness about how wonderful she was. Even though no one was mean with me about things, it's clear that the self she reserved for me was completely different than what others got. She was considered to be so self-sacrificing. I suppose it's possible that if she didn't see any boundary between me and her that it made it easier for her to sacrifice me, too, and then to have no fucking idea why I'm so angry and violated by her attitude toward me.  These people have never seen her be childish and demanding and I don't wonder that they can't comprehend that it's not just me, something wrong with me and my attitude towards her. So I thank all these well-meaning people, and pat them and accept their condolences while my stomach is twisting, and I know that as much as I wanted that fantasy of a genuine come-to-Jesus moment it never would have happened. I'm the only one in the world that seems to have had this experience of her, and it feels sick and lonely.

9 comments:

  1. Bess, you have my sympathies. I can imagine how difficult this is for you. I have had very similar experiences.

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  2. I can imagine how you feel. All twisted and turned up inside, and its at this point of second guessing, perhaps, or just feeling, doubtful of your own self here, and wondering why she got along so well with everyone else and not you.

    Maybe she got along with other people and not you. And that's ok, not a reason to doubt yourself about that. But another thing, too, that I observed in my own FOO, is that they tell stories. They can take the most impeachable character and make them sound so good and righteous. When we feel blasted out, for not complying with the FOO, it is important to look at all the angles that could have been played out. And I know that the most horrible person can get a raving review regardless. I've seen it in work places even, "Oh so and so is the most wonderful person." But I know in my heart that so and so is a horrible person.

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  3. I hear ya {{Bess.}} One look at the obituary and Will made it very clear mine appeared to have gotten over on a bunch of people too. At the time. Later? No. People are not gonna speak honestly at the time of the death.

    I'm sorry you never had a real "mother" or a Come to Jesus opportunity. I know you did not walk away willingly or easily. Effectively she deserted you long ago and your decision acknowledged this reality. It still hurts. In the end you have the choice to live in your own Truth or in someone else's fantasy. I guess it depends on how much of yourself you're willing to betray in the name of "love" and "respect."
    TW

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  4. You're not the only one Bess. When I got the call from my dad that my mother had died, ignored it. Later I got a VM from the funeral home saying my dad and I had an appointment to finalize arrangements, I ignored that too. I knew everything had been pre-arranged years ago: no visitation, cremation, no memorial or service, nothing, but the old man had no qualms about using his beloved wife/enabler's death to try and lure his favourite victim back. He didn't even bother to with an obit for his wife of 73 years! Not one of their "friends" left a post on the funeral home website which tells me I'm not the only one who suffered at the hands of my tag-team narc parents.
    Bess, society expects people voice FALSE platitudes after someone dies. I chose not to expose myself to that BS.
    Kick it outta your head and move on with your drama-free life.

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  5. This is the point where I was glad my ex wife horned it to monopolize our whole relationship with my mother. Any questions I had for her she took the answers to her grave. Any business affairs were left to my ex. I didn't have to ponder on her regrets about anything. I didn't have to ask anyone what she might have been thinking as she wound her last days down. Her message was loud and clear and she wavered not in the end. Her death as well as her life was all a giant screw you even as they piled the dirt over her casket. Go with it and let it liberate your spirit. You know her for what she was. She had ample opportunity to have treated you better but she didn't and now the deal is done. Via Con Dios!

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  6. When it's all said and done the question that lingers with me is WHY? why did they have to make it all so hard. They spend their lives making everyone miserable just for the fun of it. There is no apparent pay off for them other than to watch people around them scurry off like ants and they just kicked over the ant bed.

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  7. The why is a biggie. Someday maybe I can accept that I'll never understand.

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  9. The why is a biggie. Someday maybe I can accept that I'll never understand.

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