I don't remember a year when I didn't dread the holidays. The thought of seeing my mother over the holidays is freaking me the fuck out. I am utterly overwhelmed. What am I going to do?
The holidays are full of PTSD triggers for me because of violent crimes that happened at that time when I was a kid. Never got over it. I can hardly tolerate anything to do with it. However, my husband and kids love the holidays and of course I never wanted to spoil it for them. It is painfully hard to cope with.
In the past I've been guilty of dosing myself up on sleeping pills or muscle relaxers just so I wouldn't have to be fully present during those times. Other times I would pretend to be a robot with no feelings at all and just go through the motions. Neither way helps much.
Is it at all possible to get out of seeing your mother?
I know I could make up my mind and do straight NC, and I guess I'm just not willing to give up what I perceive I will lose in terms of relationships with my sister and her family. On the relatively rare occasions I see them, it's usually at holidays or special events, and sis is not NC, so mom would be there. I'll just need to grow a pair and buck up. I've seen mom once since May, and I haven't missed her at all. No phone contact at all. It's been so frickin' nice and now I'm panicking.
Also, when I get panicky, I want to reach for a bottle, and after the bottle wears off I feel even worse emotionally. It's becoming easier to see what kind of mess I've got in my closet, so to speak.
Been there, done that with the bottle! The next day was a killer because on top of all the other shit I also had a hangover to contend with. My self-respect was in tatters because I felt stupid every time I went back for more abuse, then I was disgusted with myself for the drinking.
The counseling for the booze led me to examine my relationship with the NPs and finally made me understand I was ALLOWING myself to be abused.
I really feel for you but I also accept that we all find our own way in our own time. You'll do what you need to do when you're ready.
Bess, I have no doubt you grew "the pair" a long time ago. Just take a look at all the changes you've been through the last, say, 18 mo: Illness/Death of NF with you providing a bunch of the care and NM leaning on you as hard as possible; "Home Improvement" 101; launching your DS into Adult Life/ Autonomy; back-drop of extremely stressful career; coming to terms with the FOO; grieving all the losses physical and metaphorical and these are just a few of the highlights of which I'm aware. I also hated the Holidays for years, FWIW. You're doing "The Drift" with NM which appears to be working as a strategy for you-so far, so good. Strategy-that's what IMO we all need. And that depends when and where these Holiday get-togethers are taking place, how many people are gonna be around to "feed the beast" which worked well the last time you were in NM's presence. If there's one element I would change about my annual "Pilgrimages" to Psychob's place for Christmas, it would be to ensure I ALWAYS had a way "out." For me, that would have involved making sure I had a vehicle as a means of physical escape from her residence as I also had Nsis to deal with as well-the "Tag Team" from hell. Since you and sis have a good relationship no doubt she can be a part of your strategy-I'd enlist her help as well as she seems to "get it." Beyond that, without more specifics, I know you can come up with what will work for you, Bess. Yep, the "Horror-Days" as I use to call them. sigh. TW
I quit going. Just because it's a tradition doesn't make it right. I started my own traditions!
ReplyDeleteSend a card and skip it!
Hi Bess. I wish I had some good advice for you.
ReplyDeleteThe holidays are full of PTSD triggers for me because of violent crimes that happened at that time when I was a kid. Never got over it. I can hardly tolerate anything to do with it. However, my husband and kids love the holidays and of course I never wanted to spoil it for them. It is painfully hard to cope with.
In the past I've been guilty of dosing myself up on sleeping pills or muscle relaxers just so I wouldn't have to be fully present during those times. Other times I would pretend to be a robot with no feelings at all and just go through the motions. Neither way helps much.
Is it at all possible to get out of seeing your mother?
I know I could make up my mind and do straight NC, and I guess I'm just not willing to give up what I perceive I will lose in terms of relationships with my sister and her family. On the relatively rare occasions I see them, it's usually at holidays or special events, and sis is not NC, so mom would be there. I'll just need to grow a pair and buck up. I've seen mom once since May, and I haven't missed her at all. No phone contact at all. It's been so frickin' nice and now I'm panicking.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when I get panicky, I want to reach for a bottle, and after the bottle wears off I feel even worse emotionally. It's becoming easier to see what kind of mess I've got in my closet, so to speak.
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that with the bottle! The next day was a killer because on top of all the other shit I also had a hangover to contend with. My self-respect was in tatters because I felt stupid every time I went back for more abuse, then I was disgusted with myself for the drinking.
DeleteThe counseling for the booze led me to examine my relationship with the NPs and finally made me understand I was ALLOWING myself to be abused.
I really feel for you but I also accept that we all find our own way in our own time. You'll do what you need to do when you're ready.
HUGS!!!
Bess, I have no doubt you grew "the pair" a long time ago. Just take a look at all the changes you've been through the last, say, 18 mo: Illness/Death of NF with you providing a bunch of the care and NM leaning on you as hard as possible; "Home Improvement" 101; launching your DS into Adult Life/ Autonomy; back-drop of extremely stressful career; coming to terms with the FOO; grieving all the losses physical and metaphorical and these are just a few of the highlights of which I'm aware.
ReplyDeleteI also hated the Holidays for years, FWIW. You're doing "The Drift" with NM which appears to be working as a strategy for you-so far, so good. Strategy-that's what IMO we all need. And that depends when and where these Holiday get-togethers are taking place, how many people are gonna be around to "feed the beast" which worked well the last time you were in NM's presence.
If there's one element I would change about my annual "Pilgrimages" to Psychob's place for Christmas, it would be to ensure I ALWAYS had a way "out." For me, that would have involved making sure I had a vehicle as a means of physical escape from her residence as I also had Nsis to deal with as well-the "Tag Team" from hell. Since you and sis have a good relationship no doubt she can be a part of your strategy-I'd enlist her help as well as she seems to "get it."
Beyond that, without more specifics, I know you can come up with what will work for you, Bess. Yep, the "Horror-Days" as I use to call them. sigh.
TW