Saw the mother at sis's place on Friday. She greeted me with a hug and desperately hissed in my ear, "I love you." It sounds warm and fuzzy on paper, but it seemed very odd - in timing and something else I'm not putting my finger on. When she had the real opportunity to speak to me later in the afternoon, which I somewhat dreaded, though we were surrounded by other people, the only thing she wanted to talk about is how she had to turn the Kirby vacuum salesman in to the BBB. Not, how's my little boy doing in school, or how's my big boy doing because he's moving to his own place next week. Not about real things, important things. Her big important moment in the sun where I really wanted her to prove to me I'm wrong in all my feelings about her, and she just presented this strange nugget. It's about her, and it's negative. Lovely.
Otherwise, not a bad day.
I've been frantic the last couple weeks trying to get the oldest ready to move into his place. He can't understand my push to get things done ahead of time as much as possible, so I'm trying to take it as easy as I mentally can, but I'm really fucking nervous and overwhelmed. I keep being worried something will fall through and ruin his chance to live at this place, but so far so good. He's his only enemy that I'm aware of, in that he just needs to remember the things he needs to do to be happy and healthy. This place should be great - his own apartment with everything he physically needs, plus staff support. I'm mad at myself for being beside myself with nerves. One of the staff told me this is not unlike what all parents go through when a kid leaves the nest, so maybe this is normal??
Oh, yeah, and the guy that has been telling me since September he's going to get my fucking house painted "this weekend" can suck my big toe. You can't paint now that it's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. Dick. And I'm the numbnuts who took this long to tell you to get bent. So, yay me.
The holiday tree is up and the cats are chewing ornaments off the tree and the hubs is watching some rich fuckers play golf in Dubai in HD. The kids are upstairs farting around. And I'm really fighting myself not to go hit the vodka, but I know I've got lots of other shit to do that's more important. I just need to keep thinking about that.
Sounds like pretty normal parenting stuff. Don't go beating yourself up!
ReplyDeleteYour NM sounds exactly like mine. I love you but I have no interest in you or those you love. Oh, you stubbed your toe? Well I smashed my entire foot in 34 places! Top that!
I can tell you from experience, booze doesn't make the shit go away. It just makes it even harder to deal with.
Living the sober life opened my eyes to possibilities I had never dreamed of and gave me the balls to walk away from the train wreck that is my NFOO.
This move for your son is a HUGE step-I'd be a wreck too, FWIW. When we've lived with the whole, "Anything that can go wrong, WILL" for years, when you've had to fight so many battles to have your DS recognized as a human being in his own right etc. it ups the anxiety level exponentially. This is a major transition for BOTH of you, yk?
ReplyDelete"Hissing NM" was her usual snake self and you handled her beautifully by never giving her a chance to work you or cut you from the herd.
Ahhh, the vodka is calling, it's singing your song, "Here, I'll help ease your anxiety...I'll smooth the rough edges, make it all less terrifying...you know me, I'm your buddy" until it's not. I'm not suggesting trading in one for another, but just a thought: Many of us self-medicate anxiety with this legal, readily available stuff. I'm thinking a visit to the MD for some anti-anxiety meds at least temporarily and don't wash 'em down with the other, OK? You won't be killing your liver, feeling like shit the next day and who knows, they just might work. When you find the right ones, they DO work very effectively. Often we DO self-medicate underlying anxiety/depression/trauma with booze which is a helluva lot harder on our bodies than a medication that's actually intended to do the job far more effectively with far less damage. No, I'm NOT a fan of Big Pharma at all, but it seems nuts to expect horribly traumatized people to just stop drinking when drinking works for them. Even when they DON'T wanna be drinking they are, which beats 'em down that much more in every way. And yeah, they DO have underlying Anxiety stuff and have been self-treating it for years. I've certainly known people in very high-powered positions that have been on the same dose of an anxiety Scheduled/Triplicate for years and it's worked very effectively for them. If you ask retail pharmacists what scripts they fill most frequently they'll tell you anxiety meds and antidepressants. Bess, you can't expect Trauma to NOT change Structures, Endocrine stuff and Neurotransmitters in ways that are enduring. Our bodies just don't work that way and you've been dealing with Trauma practically back to the womb. Just a few thoughts, OK?
I guess it's time to get some quotes from Painting Contractors for next spring, huh? Without the knowledge or consent of hizzzhonor, it's gonna get done. ;)
TW
TW - you are amazing. I have questions regarding endocrine stuff and neurotransmitters and my body's non-response to them. Would you email me when you have time?
DeleteThank you.
Thank you guys for your responses. My problem is I am on an antidepressant which used to work just fine. Now it's working less fine, or I am, and I'm afraid to go to a higher dosage. A couple of times in my past I've weaned myself off the med to see if I can cope without it - to see if I'm "better." The weaning side effects were prohibitive, no matter how slow I went, and both times I eventually discovered I needed the med again. I don't distrust meds - the med I'm on is what enables me to live a "normal" life without devastating depression. The anxiety is what's eating me now.
ReplyDeleteEven though I'm not supposed to drink, over the last year and a half I've hit it pretty hard. In the last few months I've cut back alot, but I still have one once in a while. Sometimes two or three. I don't seem to have a hardcore addictive personality, but I know I'm pushing it. I know I need to distance myself from it, I just have to make myself follow through. Maybe once I get done with booze, I'll feel better again.
I look at my mother and her mother before her, and the one before that, and know depression and mental fragility are genetic components of what I'm facing. Mother refuses to take MH meds and the women before didn't have the option.
I'm so damned lucky in so many ways, and I don't want to ruin my good fortune with weakness.
Oh, and the painter IS the contractor I hired cuz I was tired of waiting. Bloody customer service is dead. :)
OH LORD the drinking thing. I'm fighting that fight right now and just knowing that I cannot drink again (I CANNOT) makes me - what - scared? ugh.
ReplyDeleteI was also swallowing my anti anxiety meds with vodka (that was 4 months ago when I quit the meds) and - ugh again. You have far more stress than I do at this point. TW knows what she's talking about. I have no advice, I'm just in the pool swimming with you.
I don't know that my stress is stressier than yours - we all have our burdens. Now that you're in the pool with me, I'll make a point of not peeing in there. :) Also, I'm the chick with the baby arm floatees because I don't swim worth a dang.
DeleteYou can tell me to MYOB, but I am sober four years as of January 1st and will be celebrating with my AA Home Group on January 19th. I can tell you from my personal experience that dealing with assholes and having the balls to toss them outta my life was WAY easier when I got sober. Bonus: without their put-downs, name calling and constant abuse, my urge to drink is completely gone.
ReplyDeleteDuring the recent cyber-attack by the NGC booze never even crossed my mind! Maybe, because I was too busy laughing at the asshole.
In my case members of my NFOO were my primary trigger, so once I kicked them out, my recovery has been easy. Funny thing is, if I ever need help/support, unlike my NFOO, any one of my AA buddies is just a phone call away.
Bess, One other thing: If your antidepressant is in the group of SSRIs, it's not uncommon for them to loose their efficacy over a year or three. That's the "down" side, so you have to either increase the dosage or "trade" to a different one in that group. Also, Prozac and Paxil particularly can really become "speedy" for some people; Zoloft works better over all for depression/anxiety without the speed/anxiety effect of the others.
ReplyDeleteThe good news about antidepressants is now there are so many to choose from whereas before the SSRIs it was the tricyclics which took forever to work if they were gonna and had all kinds of nasty side effects. The "bad" news is also the same but the flip side: So many to choose from, sometimes you really do have to fiddle to find the right one in the right amount. And of course, you start out on the smallest possible dose to minimize side effects and gradually titrate up.
I'm not sure why you're concerned about an increase, but I'd like to suggest a talk with your prescriber or your pharmacist re: your concerns. Pharmacists are a great (and often under-utilized) source for good med info. Anyone whose had any experience with SSRIs is well aware of the loss of efficacy over time and may help alleviate your concerns or make some suggestions, OK?
Yeah. What ever happened to "Customer Service?" It seems to truly be a thing of the past. I can remember the bad old days when I could actually FIND someone to assist me in a store or where I could make A phone call to remediate a situation and it was DONE. Not anymore: I have to chase down "Customer Service Reps" in a bricks-and-morter place, attempt to speak to someone 5 continents away who never even attended a single ESL course to remediate a billing issue only to have the same damn problem NEXT month, necessitating MORE phone calls and more time on "Hold."
And STILL not be sure it's been rectified. It leaves me feeling absolutely furious. And gawd help you if you have more than ONE "Issue" to remediate with the same Provider.......fruitless, futile, infuriating, rude, and a huge waste.
TW
Right! On the extremely rare occasion I meet someone who actually CARES about their job, I gush over them and pray that they never stop caring, although the ones that care seem inevitably to move on to a better (read, more desirable) job for them where they won't have to do the retail/service stuff anymore. Bleh.
DeleteThanks for the info. I am indeed on an SSRI and it's been about 7 years since I started it. I have a pharmacist I think I can trust to ask these questions to. Thank you for the info!
(Gladys, I'd love to email ya, but I can't because you don't have an email address that's separate from your Blog and my comments show up immediately. So I dunno what to do here? TW)
ReplyDeleteI don't have a comment other than to tell you I love the way you write.
ReplyDelete