No response to my most recent letter to mother, but yesterday a birthday card...pink envelope with flower stickers all over it. Curiosity killed the cat. I opened it. The card was the usual flowery stuff, and on the inside she wrote, "No matter what you may think of me, please know I love you very much."
Why does this infuriate me so much?
I feel like this negates my emotions once again. She loves me even though I'm wrong? Gah. Your takes?
You feel it negates your emotions because that's just what it does. It's her re-interpreting what you said back to you. It translates to no matter what nonsense you are thinking once again you have misread me.
ReplyDelete"I feel this negates my emotions once again." Bada Bing. sigh. Total invalidation of you as a human being as well as her "Beloved DD" once again: "Oh, you silly girl, Bess! I'll just pretend you're in a snit over something-not me of course-and you'll get over it." FWIW, here's a synopsis of the avalanches of cards/letters I continued to receive for the next coupla of decades post-total NC, the vast majority of which were dumped un-read in the trash as soon as I walked in the house. Occasionally I'd open and read if the pattern changed and this was the result:
ReplyDelete-Consistently ignoring the obvious-always-and then prattling about the weather or something equally innocuous. (HUH???)
(and then to the real reason for her correspondence...)
-Rolling out some combination of invalidating, shaming, blaming, guilting, raging, obligating, needling, whining, threatening and demanding.
-And sign off with something to the effect of "Your Pathetically Victimized, I Don't UNDERSTAND!!!, Mother"
The last birthday card I opened was so ridiculous I burst out laughing. Much like your's, it was this sticky sweet, sentimental "I loved you from the first time I saw your face..." flowery, sappy creation of absolute Hallmark Hell. (And, as she pointed out, it cost more than a dollar!) That musta been pure desperation considering by that point she had so completely slimed, maligned, denigrated and destroyed her "DD" for the previous decades, anyone who didn't know me would be convinced I belonged in a cage somewhere. Or drooling in adult diapers. I had indeed, lost my mind (minimally) when I wasn't planning World Domination and Total Anarchy. (yeah, HUH???)
I hear ya Bess. You handed it back to her and she just pretended you didn't, much like a little kid putting their hands over their eyes and sing-songy yelling, "I can't SEEE YOU!" Or covering their ears, "I can't HEAR YOU!" A variation on the previous correspondence loaded with crapola in which she "promised not to pick a fight" with you. Bess, once again she is willfully and intentionally invalidating you: The operative words are "willfully" and "intentionally." Painful, infuriating but once again, confirmation of having a CB "mother."
I sincerely hope despite her BS, your year is filled with continuing personal growth and increasing peace in your life and heart. (I sent this to to q yesterday on a different topic and today, it "fits" for you:)
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There's a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in..." (Leonard Cohen, 'Anthem')
To our much loved and respected fellow ULB, the Courageous Woman, Human Bean and Shaman, Warmest and Best Birthday Wishes Ms. Bess!
TW
Really, just another take on "gaslighting" or what I like to call the "Playing Happy Families" game. Bess poured her heart out so lets have some fun and pretend she didn't.
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that and can tell you from experience there is no shirt and never will be. You'll get more respect and validation from or little band of bloggers than you'll ever get from your mother.
Happy birthday and a virtual (((hug))), Bess!
I agree with everyone else. Your letter probably had too many words in it for her to read. She's just patting you on the head and trying to move along, get everything back to her 'normal' so she can get on with the schedule of abusing you.
ReplyDeleteIt negates everything you tried to say. They wont hear it. They just wont.
(TW - that snippet of that poem has made me vow to read the whole thing. If there is more? That really hit me in the right way)
(See q's-he posted the entire Leonard Cohen song. I just added a comment with some more LCs tunes. Been listening to him since the '60's)
ReplyDeleteTW