Over the past six months, I've been training in basic shamanism. (Could be the opening line of a joke, but it's not.) I put out an honest wish to figure out who I am, and this opportunity came along, and it's been very enlightening and not all that easy.
Part of the shamanic tradition (specifically Q'ero) makes you look at the parts of yourself that are not so pretty. You get to know the darkness in yourself and the things about you that you'd rather disown. The tradition also teaches to walk in light and love and to heal the world around you by healing yourself. I really struggle with the light and love approach; trying to see the light in everyone isn't easy, and I spent lots of time at the beginning clutching my "resistance" stone and blowing all my resistance to learning into it. I still couldn't see how to let go of my anger. Then, last week when I sat down and wrote mother the letter, it occurred to me that if I had to look at all the things I didn't like about myself and accept them, I couldn't still carry around my mother's burden because IT WASN'T MINE. In order to get to the love and light, I have to drop that burden like the useless shit it is, because it is diseasing me.
The only way I feel I can drop that burden is to directly hand it back to her. Serve it up on a cold plate with a side of brutal. I want to make her hate me for making her see herself through my eyes. I know this isn't nice, and it may not what the shamanic tradition has in mind, but I can't heal myself without unburdening my way. There is a balance to handing responsibility back to her that is bringing me to a place I've never been before. The potential for triumph and regret is mine, all mine. Euphoric or devastating, I'm taking back my power.
"I'm taking back my power" and handing back that which was never your's to it's rightful owner.
ReplyDeleteYep, there it is.
Funny parallel. I took AA's 4th Step inventory and in order to give up the anger, caretaking and self pity I turned my back on my parents.
ReplyDeleteYou go girl!
I got expelled from my metaphysics class. My professor caught me looking into the soul of the guy sitting next to me.
ReplyDeleteI love this - love it. Taking back your power - I've been doing a LOT of this. I have given so much of my power away to old bad friends, old lovers, put so much of myself into black-hole relationships - I had to start calling it all back. I did it so well at first that my life kind of blew up that first weekend, like a shit-storm, but lol I've been better about grounding and centering since then.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am FIRMLY in the camp of handing them back their crap and making them hate me. I do not give a fig for 'love everyone, forgive and let live' oh HELL no. Forgiveness needs to be requested by the abuser. Which means acknowledging their abuse.
That doesn't mean, however, that we carry it with us, as you so aptly put it! Once the plate has been passed, it is out of our hands and off of our souls.
(are you taking a class in shamanism? can you point me in a direction? I'd love to read about it!)
I think you'd love any book by Alberto Villoldo. He's an anthropologic doctor who went to Peru and studied with the Q'ero shamans. Another good book is Masters of the Living Energy by Joan Parisi Wilcox. It's a slower read and more in-depth, but her book is about what she learned first-hand when she lived with the Q'ero.
ReplyDeleteIt's really kinda miraculous that I was able to get involved in learning about this stuff. A reflexologist pal stated that she and four other women were trying to get a sixth woman for their group so they could fly a shaman from Colorado to us for weekend classes, and I took the spot. Before this class, that same friend had invited me to drumming sessions, so I had a feel for what type of thing I was signing up for.
I have a book to offer - it comes from the more pagan witchy side of things, but it was invaluable to me when I was starting out protecting myself. http://www.amazon.com/Practical-Protection-Magick-Guarding-Reclaiming/dp/0738721689 (She is also a Master Gardener which I think is interesting, it's a title like PhD or something)
ReplyDeleteProtecting ourselves from the negativity that's out there - and I do believe in the woo-woo side of things, is so important. I'm going to check out your book recommendations today. Woot. :)