A couple nights ago, N mother called me and let the phone ring and ring and ring until I shut the ringer off. I panicked, went back to the old anxiety. I don't think that'll ever go away. I'll have to be okay with that. It's a good reflex to have, maybe, like pulling your hand back when you touch a hot pan. Keeps you from getting badly hurt.
The stuff that happened since the last time I posted is too personal to post right now. Therapy has been good for me, but only in conjunction with medication. I had to remind myself of that the hard way, and it's been a real kick in the ass.
If you are out there trying to figure out what to do about the narcissist you are dealing with, I don't have any hard and fast answers, but I can give you some advise from my journey. Just keep protecting yourself. Guilt will be your enemy. A poor sense of self will also be your enemy. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and it'll probably take you a long time to figure out what it is you do want. But when you figure it out, don't apologize for it. Seek the help you need, which may not be the help others think you need, and don't apologize for it. You might get torn down to build yourself back the way you want. Your story is not lying to you. Another person's story does not negate your own. Walk through the dark days and try not to carry them with you. If you do, try to remember you are not alone, though you'll feel that way sometimes. Maybe more often than sometimes. Don't close the door on options because you're worried about a social stigma. Don't let ego overcome necessity. Trust your definition of forgiveness.
Good advice, Bess! I just had a major "relapse" and ended up back down the Rabbit Hole. Blogging and blogs like yours provided important validation that helped me make my original "escape". I'm back blogging and reading blogs because it helps me stay safe!
ReplyDeleteGuilt does play a huge part. My MN mother is elderly and needs a lot of assistance going to doctor's appts and stuff, and my poor sister is taking care of it all, and I do feel so guilty for my no contact. But I am living in a country where my sister can let go and mother will still be cared for. So it is pointless for me to feel guilty. Besides, no matter how sick mother gets, she still gaslights like a pro, gotta stay away from that. She lies, she is mean etc. All disguised as a little old lady lol.
ReplyDeleteThanks Bess-excellent insights. It's so good to see you!
ReplyDeleteYou sure are right about ego. In my experience ego played a very significant role on both sides, mine and CB "mother." I was desperately hanging onto a fig leaf of defenses to protect myself from the painful reality that she absolutely KNEW what she was doing. I don't believe now it really matters whether or not someone abuses/neglects you knowingly or not the pain's the same, eh? But that was my last bit of "cover"-believing she really didn't know, didn't mean to etc. until I was confronted with irrefutable "proof" she knew exactly what she was doing. At that point I just folded. Nothin' left to do but drop the rope and walk away. The cherry on top was the realization she would readily and knowingly destroy a relationship with me forever in service to her ego. Ouch.
Bess, I purchased a dirt cheap call blocking service through my phone provider that allows me to block up to 25 numbers and unblock them whenever or if ever I want to. If a call is made from a blocked number they get a recording this number is no longer in service. Could that be a possibility for you?
Again, you sound great and it's such a treat to hear from you!
TW
I always thought of my mother as someone who wanted to feed supply from me, but still wanted me to grow up well anyway. Kind of like someone who picked her cucumbers but still wanted them to grow in the garden. I didn't stand a chance and this I know didn't matter to her anyway. She still would have plucked up those cucumbers even knowing they wouldn't get to grow. But still complain.
DeleteNarcs are crazy, demanding everything, but destroying it all first. I think this is how they really feel.