Sunday, February 17, 2013

When My Weakness is Protecting my Strength

As so many bloggers have posted before about how the death of a family member means the N's expect you to draw together, no matter what, I do not consider my case to be anything special. One of NM's brothers passed away this week, and I got the first call from Nmom since...hmmm. It's been awhile.

I didn't answer her call since it was in the middle of the workday and my phone was in a drawer and I didn't hear it. When work was over, I checked the phone to see a text from my sis who asked if NM had called me. Frankly, until I double-checked all my little phone icons, I didn't know she had. So I sucked it up and listened to her message, the first time in about 9 months I have. She told me her brother had passed away and rambled a little about other things that were unclear, then she threw in that she was letting me know in case I was "interested." Also, she left some sort of snark about gee whiz, sorry I didn't get you guys valentines, I haven't been out of the house in a while. The message was left the day before valentine's day, and frankly, I'm a little beyond waiting for valentines in the mail.

Her brother is someone I've seen fewer than 10 times in my life. I didn't hate him, but I didn't love him, because I didn't know him. He and his wife got the hell out of Dodge to get away from his evil mother. This is the only thing I know about him, and I do like that he did that.

After I listened to NM's message, I immediately dialed her number, but she didn't answer. She was probably with other family members, and I left a very brief message that I was truly sorry about her brother and I hoped she was doing okay. I said I'd call her back, but I didn't. I popped a note in the mail instead.

The note didn't hit any of the heavy shit that's been sitting on my chest. I know she's suffering, and grinding my heel in her wounds isn't something I wanted to do. The letter was brief and honest and expressed how sorry I was for her loss and for my uncle's wife's loss. I also wrote that I was writing because it was the healthiest way for me to communicate right now, but I left it at that.

So she tries to call me today. Even though I told her I only felt comfortable communicating in writing right now. I knew her ring the minute the home phone started bleating. It's no surprise that she only wants what she wants and that she blasted past a boundary I tried to be honest about. Kinda drove it home, though, that everything I've known to be true is right.

I know from messages from my sister the family is not doing a memorial service right now. I know NM wanted me to drive several hours and bring my kids so she could show them off like zoo animals in front of her siblings, none of whom I know very well. I don't think any of them could give a fig less if I showed up or not. But I know if I'd talked to her, she would've whined and needled and made it apparent that I was taking a chunk out of her soul by not doing what she wants me to do. I know by not coming up today, there will probably be a big show sometime this afternoon wherein she breaks into tears and makes it all about her that I am not there to support her in her time of need.

I really hate her right now. I feel downright nauseous and dirty, and I didn't even talk to her. Mindfuck, indeed.

It's been a long couple of months since I posted last. I'm a real delayed reaction sort of person, and I'm trying to adjust to my big kid's new living situation and stupid hormonal shit that makes me want to rip my ovaries out and stomp on them. Hot flashes, night sweats, pms that lasts two weeks, nightmares that peel wallpaper off the walls, the whole nine yards. Perimenopause can kiss my ever-broadening ass. I must have been a man in most of my past lives, because my tolerance for this nonsense is veddy, veddy low.

4 comments:

  1. Sorry you've had to go through this. My grandfather died last fall, and the phone calls from my dad and emails from my mother brought up a lot of emotions. But I chose not to attend the wake or funeral to protect myself.

    Wishing you well.

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  2. Just keep looking out for yourself, Bess. Your mother will be just fine without you or, as you already guessed, she'll be better than fine because she can throw herself a big pity party about your absence.

    As for the nightmares, for me, they've lessen drastically with each passing month of NC.

    Once you get through menopause life is glorious without all that monthly shit!

    Hugs, mulderfan

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  3. As Mulder said, your mother will milk this situation whether you throw yourself on the bonfire or not. Save yourself, and your kids.

    Menopause - eesh. I suffered terribly for 5 years. I too feel I must've been a man or something, because I wasn't sorry to see my 'possibility of motherhood' (gag) go, I just wanted it all GONE in one day! I have no magic for you, I'm sorry to say. I just really feel your pain in that area. Getting outside for walks every day may help you, I wish I had done more of that in retrospect. Chocolate and wine?

    One good thing, your 'give a crap' meter will break! You may not want to give a crap about ANYTHING unimportant anymore, and that is freedom. I love being able to say 'I don't give a crap!' - my mother, drama with friends, politics, I just don't have any time to care anymore. Feels like shedding a particularly itchy wool coat.

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  4. Aw, Bess. I get that whole, "I really hate her right now. I feel downright nauseous and dirty" just from the sound of their voice. Hell, I'd get that just from seeing her handwriting on a letter in my (snake-bit) mail box. ugh. It would mess up my whole week initially, but over time it became a petty annoyance but yeah, it took lots of time. (Damn triggers.) I promise this *will* get better, Bess.
    I figured you were likely pretty busy getting your DS set up in his new place (hope he's adjusting well), the Holidays etc. But it sure is good to see you back! Wish I could offer some ideas for peri-menopause but when I was going through this I was dealing with the whole thyroid mess so it'd be impossible to separate one mess from the other. (And everyone's sick of my thyroid harping soap box so I won't go there. Again.) Are you still taking the blackstrap? I am, and thanks for the suggestion. Also, I just added magnesium (thanks, Gladys!) and I know it takes about a month before I'll experience any difference. The revenge of the ovaries: 9 mo. after unloading all my tampons, "supplies" etc. guess what happened? Yeah. I woke up in a mess with not a thing to, ah, "assist." And no hope of "Home Delivery." It also happened to be my late DH's birthday. (Thanks, hun.) Occasionally I have to fill out a medical form that asks "DoLMP" and the medical people are quite surprised these years later I remember the exact date.
    So I pass the "Alzheimers Test." ;)
    TW
    (It's so good to "see" another ULB, Ms. Bess!)

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