Paradoxical reactions to benzodiazepines are rare but considered most likely to happen in the aging population. As it turns out, they can and do happen in other age groups. When the anxiety got too great and I asked for something to help manage it, clonazepam seemed like a reasonable solution - long half-life, less easily abused than some of the other bennys. I took it as prescribed for one week and had a suicidal breakdown. I spent a few days in a behavioral health unit to stabilize and get medication management, then discovered that the antidepressant I was already taking samples of was not going to be covered by my insurance, thus necessitating the change in that medication as well.
I had been angry and upset at the prescribing doctor for a few weeks before the clonazepam debacle because I felt like a science experiment, but if we're calling a spade a spade, that's what any of us are when we're trying to find a medication regimen that works for us. There's no way she could have foreseen how my brain reacted to that medication.
The day I was released from the hospital, I was so grateful to be going home feeling somewhat improved. I had this unexpected desire to speak with my mother, which I thankfully resisted. I wish I had the family I could talk to about this, and some day I'll talk to my sister about it, but not yet. It's enough I have a supportive husband and kids.
The current meds seem to be okay. I'm frightened as hell about what would happen if they suddenly began to not work, if I got thrown back into mind-hell, with the anger, irritability, depression, and anxiety. There is nothing I fear more than that.
I always prided myself on being able to do everything on my own. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone to help me. I was wrong.
The first couple of days in the hospital, I was eaten alive by humiliation. I hated that I bought into the stigma, that I was in a psych unit, that nothing would ever be the same, but I couldn't quit beating myself up. I'm forcing my viewpoint to perform a complete 180, still fighting with myself, but coming to an understanding that humiliation should be humility. There was no palpable difference between myself and the others who were hospitalized, and no difference between them and the people I meet everyday on the street, in my workplace, at a restaurant, living their lives as best they can. We are alone together.
Bess my dear. you are one of my favorite bloggers from the old school. I would be remiss to let you be humiliated by your lonely self. I have been in two state ordered drug rehabs because the alternative would have been to go to jail. If we could stand up to the brutality of the world without cracking we wouldn't be human.
ReplyDeleteI heart you Q. I'm stunned at the number of people who hurt others over and over without compunction or pain, and overcome by how much pain that leaves for other people to absorb. All that stuff about energy changing but never disappearing...
DeleteI was on clonazapam and I remember having panic attacks on them. I never had panic attacks before, just in a constant state of freaking out. But on clonazapam, I actually felt my heart flutter, and I felt even worse than I was. The psychiatrist had to change them to diazapam, and he told me that some people can't handle clonazapam.
ReplyDeleteI was always scared of taking anxiety medication, I didn't want to get hooked or worse. It was really a rough time.
The anxiety is awful! I'm glad to know you were able to find something that worked better.
DeleteMy doctor gave me some stuff so far back that I don't remember the name. I ended up with a voice in my head telling me I was a piece of shit and should kill myself. WTF? If I had wanted to hear that kinda stuff all I had to do was pick up the phone and call my father or brother!
ReplyDeleteCan't tell you how many therapists and shrinks I've seen over the years. I know now there is no shame in reaching out for professional help. The shame is reserved for our twisted families who don't have enough sense to seek the help they need.
On the one hand it's kinda sad that you're situation is not unique but, on the other hand, you're part of a very supportive club.
This group in blog-world has been the most supportive group; helps solidify that the positive is out there.
DeleteOhholeyhell Bess! Yup. You are describing a true paradoxical response to all the symptoms of a classic way too fast way too furious titration down from a benzo without ever having used or reaped any benefit from the damn thing! It's like Narcan-ing someone who is thought to be an opiate user but never was and now is in full blown opiate withdrawal from a drug they never even knew existed. I am so sorry and equally so relieved you are still with us. Whew. You do have follow-up appointments scheduled for every 3-5 days for at least the next couple weeks, right?
ReplyDeleteCan we talk about this shame for a bit? How are you even remotely responsible for magically controlling your brain neurochemistry? If you have such super-powers could you please let me know how it's done so I can figure out a way to produce dopamine-on-demand? Permanently?! With a side of serotonin? I'll take mine in the XXL size if yadon'tmind, mmmk? I can tell you you're not gonna "suddenly" go back to mind hell but experience trumps words any day. I get it, believe me. What a hellacious experience. What generally happens with meds is a sloowww slide downward in efficacy that is so insidious ya don't realize what's going on because you have a life and the demands that come with that kind of push the sense that they're not working as well as they should aside. And why would you trust anyone to help? Your life experience has been one of absolute self-sufficiency because any time you really, really needed some help with anything, no one came. Everytime someone ELSE needed help, you were right there to make it all work, schazamm! Oh Superwoman, how do I count the ways you have met challenge after challenge that would leave others in a sobbing, snotting puddle-and that's just your normal. Being inpatient is IMO the best place to be when major med changes are taking place for exactly the reason you experienced. (There's also the ability to reap much greater benefit much more quickly and *safely* than outpatient.) Again, I am so sorry, Bess.
Yk, there is such Greatness in Every Day People-and that's exactly what I've seen from you for years now. You never believed you mattered beyond being a human doing instead of a human being. There's a world of difference between "selfish" and "self-preservation." And self-care is the most definitive statement of "I matter" there is. "We're alone together." Yes. We are. In our own lifeboats in a infinite ocean with huge waves we ride to the crest-and at that moment, you look around and realize there's all these lights from all these other lifeboats around us chugging towards us with extra blankets and food and unconditional love that we never knew were there. The paradoxical comfort of being human and living in this world.
Bess, I'm just so glad you had the integrity and honesty to step forward and allow yourself to be cared for instead of caring for....
(Gentle hugs if you'd like, OK?)
TW
(If this double posts please excuse me-my internet provider is doin' a Shuck-n-Jive on my puter.)
The hospitalization happened a couple of weeks ago. I'm fortunate to have at least weekly visits the last couple weeks and for the two weeks oncoming with med manager or therapist. I started the clonazepam on a Monday evening, and the following Sunday evening is when I went to the hospital. The doctor at the unit gave me small doses of the med at bedtime to prevent withdrawal, but I was in such a high state of anxiety that whole week before and after. Right now I'm rocking a mixture of citalopram and Buspar. I hope to hell the Buspar continues to work, because I don't know what the other options are. I gotta say, I think I was in a mixed state that whole time. I know that's associated with bipolar, but I've read descriptions, and that's what it had to be. I couldn't stop moving, so irritable and angry, and hating every minute of life. It was so bad.
DeleteI probably should be seeing the providers more often, but in our small burg, it takes a miracle to sneak in more visits than what I've got, especially with the med manager. I think there are 3 people managing the entire county. The therapist is awesome, and I'm making baby steps. I thought they were big steps, but it turns out what seems big is sometimes really small.