Another hideous fucking dream. I'm riding, in a semi, no less, with my father driving. Then he says, "I don't feel so good, Bess. You have to drive." This is taking place while driving around and around the block of the little town where I grew up as a child. (If you've ever seen a semi with a trailer on try to make it around one of these blocks, it's sort of painful to watch.) So, with no knowledge how to drive a semi, but managing anyway, he directs me to a portion of the block that sits flat, cuz that would be a good place to park a semi. This is so he can get out and get some fresh air. After he's gotten some fresh air, he gets back in the truck in the driver's seat and continues around the block. When he's on the side of the block where you turn and then you're at our house, someone backs out of their driveway and hits his truck. He gets out and says who knows what to the people, then he tells me he's just going to walk home and I need to drive the truck back home. I get in the truck and get it going slowly (we're talking a steep hill here) and then suddenly it's icy and snowing and I don't know what happened, but I lost control and hit a parked car. I'm so pissed that I fucked this up because I know what's going to happen. I walk back to the house and my husband is there. Then I just know that my dad knew what happened and already told my husband. I asked husband, "Did Dad tell you what happened?" He says, "Yeah, he said you were fucking around and he can't trust you with anything, cuz he told you not to drive." I'm outraged and try to explain to my husband what really happened, but I never got a chance because the dream ended.
Talk about your symbolism.
OMG, Bess. This one is LOADED! What a powerful dream-I can can feel the hair raising on my arms...just...wow.
ReplyDeleteTW
So nothing you do will ever please your dad because it's impossible to meet his unrealistic expectations and, like most narcs, he lies like a rug? Then, when you fail, he tries to get your husband to take his side. Sound about right?
ReplyDeleteTW's right, this is your subconscious giving you a clear and powerful message.
I can tell you from experience, after going NC the frequency of the dreams reduces drastically. I maybe get one a month now and it's about the old buggers (90 & 93) dying.
The worst part is, he's been dead over a year. My mother is still alive and I'm extremely low contact with her. I hope these dreams stop someday. Reliving all the mindfuckery over and over is doing a serious number on my sanity.
ReplyDeleteBess, I realize that-because it surely feels that way, doesn't it? Here's my experience FWIW: The first year, even though the death was anticipated with time and distance I see I was still in some degree of shock/numb, more numb than anything. I'm speaking here re: DH's death, and of course the relationships are totally different, but since death is such a common theme in my "demographic" we do tend to talk about it a lot more among friends, acquaintances etc.
ReplyDeleteThe second year, that numb wore off. Of course, society "gives" you a year to "get over it" just about the time you could REALLY use some support, it's pretty much evaporated. But the "wear-off" left me feeling like one raw, exposed nerve ending everyone was rubbing up against. I didn't show it externally, but internally it reflected in my dreams and day dreams of a rather....not PC nature, kind of like that day you had a work a few weeks ago?
Your mind is doing the "sorting it out" while you're trying to sleep. I also believe the up close and personal care you engaged in by taking care of your father as he approached death plays a large role here as well. It's a kind of intimacy that's hard to explain to others-NO, I'm NOT implying anything sexual about that at all, but caring for a terminally ill human being is the ultimate loss of their dignity and function regardless of your best efforts to retain as much as possible for both of you. Even health care pros who take care of terminally ill patients speak honestly of how exhausting and encompassing it is, so what does that tell ya? And they don't have the history, the relationship with their "patient" we do.
It started with, "I don't feel too good Bess. You have to drive." At that point IRL you recognized this reality even if he didn't state it that directly and from that point on, you were drivin' the "truck" even though you didn't have a clue/"..no knowledge" what you were doing. And on it goes from there. Through all your caring for him-and Bess, I don't care HOW GREAT your care was, there's always SOME "unexpected development" generally on their (the dying person's) side, the medical or pharmaceutical side-this isn't predictable, but it happens: "...suddenly it's icy and snowing and I don't know what happened, but I lost control and hit a parked car. I'm so pissed because I fucked up AND I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN." Your NM was absolutely useless during his illness and death and you stepped up knowing it WAS gonna be a mess anyway. And then there's the bold-faced lie: I'm gonna step out on a limb here and state beyond the obvious past reference to lies, I'm betting there's some "stories" being spun by the Spin Meisters (NM, other family members) re-writing history right now.
Oh and it took me until sometime in the second year to get really, really PISSED.
Just want you to know the mindfuckery in your dreams will NOT continue into the indefinite future or with such intensity. It was also around this time I would wake up crying. I PROMISE you're not loosin' it Bess.
And I think you know by now I'll never tell ya what you want to hear. Just keep puttin' it out here, please? That was one POWERFUL dream. Yeesch, you're truly doin' the nitty-gritty grief stuff now; ready or not-and yeah, even though it doesn't feel like you are, your mind "knows better"-so here it is. The "sorting mechanism" is working like it's suppose to and nothing's "broken" besides a piece of your heart. It's now "safe enough" for all this stuff, including his death and run-up to it and your hx. with him that are becoming manifest now.
Hang in, Little One. A day at a time, "One Foot in Front of the Other."
TW
TW, I had similar experiences after my DH died in February 2008. His final words, a few days before he passed were, "Please take me home." and those words replayed in my dreams for months. I also had dreams where I searched for him because his death was so unexpected I simply couldn't process where he was. Today, I get occasional triggers and the grief washes over me but the disturbing dreams are gone.
DeleteBess, try to recognize the dreams for what they are; your attempt to process your fathers' death. The key words are "your" and "process".
Interesting that TW should say "One Foot in Front of the Other." because that's exactly what I said to myself daily during the 1st few months.
Big (((hug))) mulderfan
Thanks. This is some spooky shit.
ReplyDeleteI know what the lie thing was about - he would tell people in front of me what a good and wonderful girl I was, and then he would tell people when I wasn't there that I was stealing his money, that I bullied him into nursing care, that I had sold his shit out from under him. So, when I was with him I (sometimes) had this dad who put on this amazing display of affection, and as much as I wanted to believe it, I came to understand I couldn't believe it. He did this to everyone who was close to him, and at the end I was the closest one.
I know what you mean about the intimacy of the end, but it did get super uncomfortable because of who he was. He would always project. He would tell me how all these female nurses wanted to get in his pants. When he was younger and physically well, he'd tell me things like this, too. Super inappropriate, but he would brag to me (back when he and mom were still married, so I'd be a teenager then) that so-and-so wanted him but he would NEVER cheat on mom, blah, blah, blah. Maybe he never did actually cheat, but he surely thought about it alot. He used to say stuff like his sister tried to sleep with him when they were young adults. I really doubt that given his penchant for lying, but I guess it could've happened. I think he was probably really inappropriately attracted to her and that's where his comments came from. But this was like 40 years after he was a young adult when he would say the stuff about his sister.
I hope to god he never told people I was trying to sleep with him, but I have the gut feeling he did tell someone somewhere that very thing. He always was surrounded by shits just like himself, so some motherfucker probably believed it. Just the brown-coated slime comments colliding with his tendencies to say shit like this.
He may well have, Bess. People DO die the way they lived and I've been present for more than a few deaths by now. But here's the deal: Short of duct-taping their mouths shut, most people in my experience hear this kind of shit and let it go in one ear and out the other. They figure it's the meds talkin' or, "That's just so-and-so; you KNOW how he/she is!"
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, on his death bed literally his DD-you-is stuck in an untenable position-I didn't see your Sis step up (and NO, I'm NOT being critical of her AT ALL) and NM was about as useful as a pair of wet sneakers in a snowstorm. In order to have nurses/Hospice here, ya gotta have a "Primary Caretaker" and generally it's gotta be a family member or really, really close "friend" (like your Common Law SO.) By default, his care fell to you.
And gawd love you Bess, you did it. I have to say, I don't have a clue how you did all THAT AND concurrently worked, took care of your own family and had the never-ending-whining/needling of your NM playing IRL or on CD "Repeat."
I'm gonna tell you something because it "fits" here even though it had to do with DH: I made a CONSCIOUS DECISION to stuff my feelings when I was caring for him. I absolutely did and it was a choice I made FREELY. I knew I could not do both at the same time; I could not be an emotional mess and attend to the situation at hand. Did I "pay" for that after his death? Yes-in spades. Would I change that? No. Not unless I let him linger and die in a hospital BUT I made the decision WITH him to bring him home.
In this situation, you were NOT a viable part of the decision-making process. My sense is it fell to you through default. If I'm wrong here tell me-please. It sounds like one of those classic double-binds we're placed in by the NPs. And since his "friends" are similarly minded, it wouldn't surprise me a bit. They can be perverts in their own minds but that likely will stay just there, among the like-minded.
TW
Well, he didn't live with me. So I didn't have to do the real nitty-gritty stuff, but physically and psychologically I was the closest to him. I chose to be there because if I wasn't, my sister would have chosen to be there more. I would have had loads of guilt if it had come to that because she was expecting her first child and she was dealing with the bulk of mom by that point. I just don't want anyone to think I was a saint or a martyr. It was pretty fucking horrible.
DeleteMy kids think he was an awesome grandpa, especially my youngest. I tried to keep most of his shit out of their line of vision, but my oldest pretty much knew how it was. I let dad play grandpa fabulous on limited occasions and my little one really misses him, or the guy dad became when he wanted to be the hero. That's ok, and I'm glad he died before my little one saw the real grandpa.
Man, Bess, your dream made me sweat....too realistic, so predictable in dealing with these N creatures.
ReplyDeleteI've had the same experience as Mulderfan in that I dream about my mother maybe a few times a year now since being NC for five years, but it used to be almost nightly for the first year or so.
You mentioned awhile back that you're moving from anger and that it's evolving into something else. Do you have any more thoughts on that? If you do, I'd be very interested because I'm ricocheting between depression and anger these days and seem to be headed who knows where!
Well, this is going to sound completely new-agey and WOO WOO but here is what I do to keep my dead narc father away from me and my dreams. I white-light the CRAP out of myself just before I fall asleep. Visualization. Protection. White light glowing all around my body, then a big see-thru but impenetrable safety orb (think the Good Witch in OZ) a few feet away. I ACTIVELY refuse any visits, and ghostly pennies, any reach-out-and-touch from beyond. I know it's stupid, but I'm just enough of a believer in that crap (and I've watched too many episodes of Ghost Hunters) that I HAD to protect myself. I seriously do this almost every night. He isn't welcome. Maybe it's just ME willing my own DREAMS but sheesh. One dream like THIS and I'd be jumping a cliff.
ReplyDeleteUNLESS HE BRINGS ME GABILLIONS IN LOTTO MONEY and then he can come any time. Srsly.
No need to call the padded truck, my husband is WELL AWARE of my CrAzY.
Well, I'm kind of new agey and woo-woo myself, and I like your white light idea. I consider both my parents psychic vampires, but I get overwhelmed and let my guard down at work and everything just boils in on itself. I'm going to practice more white-lighting. Thanks :)
DeleteWell, Gladys, your's is certainly more "productive" than mine! ;)
ReplyDeleteTW
OK, since we're doin' "Woo-woo" stuff I have a lil' somethin' to share here. My dearest friend, Rita of like a gazillion years had a rather "unusual" problem. Now please understand: Rita is about the most practical, grounded so far in reality I swear the woman has a damn tap root to it, OK? Years ago, too many to count when she was a young, married woman she got married in traditional Tundra style: HS Graduation this weekend, Wedding NEXT weekend, didn't live happily-ever-after but got 2 great kids out of the deal. And along the way, she picked up a dirty old man-rather, spirit. Now this "thing" followed her EVERYWHERE-for years-no matter how frequently she moved, where she moved TO, outlasted her marriage, innumerable "BFs" lots of "Dry Spells" the aging of her OWN kids not to mention grands who were now graduating college etc. She would wake up from a dead sleep when the Pervert Spirit was molesting her and it was NASTY. No, these were NOT erotic dreams gone bad, the SOB was NOT a fig-newton of her imagination, her dreams, her nightmares or some bizarro "sleep-stage." He was relentless and predictably unpredictable. It took her years to tell me about this, and only because I happened to be present one night when it happened. She was too embarrassed. I mean c'mon, how many people have you ever heard telling their reality and it goes something like this: "My ex DH and I lived for a time next to a cemetery. Then we moved. The cemetery never bothered US, but apparently I bothered something there because for the last 40+ years. I've had a Pervert Old LARGE, heavy, disgusting spirit diddling me and NOT just when I'm asleep"?
ReplyDeleteYeah. So we do have a Spiritualist, a medium of sorts in the community if you want to call them such. I arranged a meeting. Rita asked me if I had LOST my mind completely, she was sorta Catholic-but-not-really and besides, WHO was gonna PAY for this craziness? I already did. And it was NOT REFUNDABLE. I bring Rita to the Spiritualist person, do the intros, drop her off, "Be back later." And I was. I didn't ask, she didn't tell.
The only question I asked a few years later was if her Pervert Spirit still came callin.' No. Not since the Spiritualist gave her a quick prayer, I guess you'd call it and she says it every night.
End of Old Pervert Spirit, end of story.
TW