Food For Thought

Please visit this link to a post by Anna Valerious.

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/03/angry-with-narcissist-read-on.html

Wisdom Courtesy of Marilyn Nelson

Not My Bones – Marilyn Nelson

 

I was not this body,
I was not these bones.
This skeleton was just my
temporary home.
Elementary molecules converged for a breath,
then danced on beyond my individual death.
And I am not my body,
I am not my body.
We are brief incarnations,
we are clouds in clothes.
We are water respirators,
we are how earth knows.
I bore light passed on from an original flame;
while it was in my hands it was called by my name.
But I am not my body,
I am not my body.
You can own a man’s body,
But you can’t own his mind.
That’s like making a bridle
to ride on the wind.
I will tell you one thing, and I’ll tell you true:
Life’s the best thing that can happen to you.
But you are not your body,
you are not your body.
You can own someone’s body,
but the soul runs free.
It roams the night sky’s
mute geometry.
You can murder hope, you can pound faith flat,
but like weeds and wildflowers, they grow right back.
For you are not your body,
you are not your body.
You are not your body,
you are not your bones.
What’s essential about you
is what can’t be owned.
What’s essential in you is your longing to raise
your itty-bitty voice in the cosmic praise.
For you are not your body,
you are not your body.
Well, I woke up this morning just so glad to be free,
glad to be free, glad to be free.
I woke up this morning in restful peace.
For I am not my body,
I am not my body,
glory hallelujah, not my bones,
I am not my bones.

Sacrifice, That Was My Vice

now you don't look at me
with jaded eyes
and don't you accuse me of compromise
because this is the first day of the rest of my life
today I married myself, and I became my own wife
I used to give it away
I used to give it away
I used to live and breathe and bleed for you
every day

now don't you think of me
as the keeper of the flame
because I would much prefer to be labeled insane
oh yes I'd rather be the fool out dancing in the rain
than spending my life in chronic pain
I would rather be the idiot on the corner shouting
out..
I used to care, I used to cry
I used to obsess about it
I used to thi nk it was my destiny
to suffer and sigh
now I just want to be high
naturally high

sacrifice, that was my vice
I used to be that kind, I used to be that nice
I lived to serve until I found my nerve
but now I need what I deserve

I was the one who wanted everything for everyone
I was the one who wanted everything for everyone
but not anymore

so don't you judge me
you bastards of young
you son of a son
you daugher of none
no don't you tell me who and I how I need to be
as long as I'm free I will be so I'll be
my love is too much my love is too strong
and to not love myself can only be wrong
mothers with children put the mask on you first
'cause its getting a whole lot worse


I was the one who wanted everything for everyone
I was the one who wanted everything for everyone
but not anymore

-Johnette Napolitano "Everything for Everyone"

Handbag Lady, I'd Like to Buy You a Drink

Why?

Forgiveness bothers me. Not in general. Just personally. If I did vicious, hurting-other-people shit, I would not expect forgiveness. I would expect to have to suck it up. I wouldn't have the balls to ask for someone to forgive me. I know how to say I'm sorry and take my lumps. Part of showing honest intent is being available to show it.

But I'm a grudge-fucker, too. I remember the little shit and the big shit and the in-between shit. Forgetting would be a divine gift, and I'm no good at it.

What the hell is forgiveness, really? Is it letting people who are harmful have another chance? Another chance to - what? Try to erase the shit they did by proffering awkward acts they maybe don't mean? Making them prove and prove and prove until they're sick of proving and snap again? At what point are the people doing the forgiving then in the debt of the second (third, fourth, fifth)chance people? Harmful means different stuff from person to person, too. If people get along, we get along. If we don't, can we just let go and allow everyone to go down whatever path without further interference? Or do we have to punish ourselves by letting other people "be who they are" at the cost of our own "who we are" and vice versa?

Is forgiveness just not hating someone for causing hurt?

Maybe forgiveness is Karma? Which isn't really all that heart-warming and kind, I guess. But it is nice to decide we don't have to worry about the dickheads and assholes of the world because what they do will come back to 'em in good time.

Another One of Those Days

My attitude sucks shit today.

I cringed at everything all day long and felt mean and bitchy.

The worker who whined because she had work to do.

The lady making excuses for why her stoned husband ran the family car into the back of a semi and she and her kids are hurt.

The loudmouth, clueless little girl making excuses for her POS boyfriend in the can.

The skank and her big stoopid boyfriend who are seeking revenge on an asshole kid by filing false reports about him, and they got caught and defensive about it.

The guy who called to whine about the restrictiveness of the sex offender system on his brother-in-law. Complainer stated he used to be in law enforcement and he has no sympathy for offenders, blah-de-blah, but his BIL really did not do this thing he's about to plead guilty to and this just doesn't seem fair, especially since he might get kicked out of low-income housing. Then, whatever will he do with winter coming on? (Surely he won't be welcome at whatever place he allegedly molested that little girl.)

The bitch-face who decided to change up the system of payment at my kid's daycare, thusly making it far more friggin' difficult than it needs to be. Jesus criminy, the system worked just fucking fine for years before you took over. Proof that change does not always equal good.

The weirdo gawking at me like I grew an extra head while I was stalking back to work after lunch.

This day blows. Its only saving grace is it's almost over and then I can hug my important people for awhile and pretend this day never happened.

Because I'm Scared

I decided to get my permit to carry. This isn't something I wanted to do when the opportunity was first presented . I felt that it was a non-issue for me, and I didn't feel I needed that kind of accessibility. I was pretty down with my Stroam.

Then, last week, I pissed off some guy by calling Human Services to report that he moved in with a female "friend" and her teen daughters. His MO was sexual contact with his wife's teen daughter some years ago, and he was just released from prison less than 2 months ago. Through research, it is alleged the daughters were just perped on by this woman's previous fling.

I'm scared of this guy in a way I'm not usually scared of these shitbags. I'm used to being angry, and I'm really damn good at it, but the scary feeling reminds me of being little, way before I became angry. I'm pissed at this fucking girlfriend of his who seems to be whoring her kids out so she can have a man in her life. I've spoken with this guy a few times, and he did not mince words with me when he said, "Thanks for the nice report to DHS." Then he tried to back-pedal and say, no, no, I'm really grateful someone's looking out for these poor kids. Fuck you, douchebag. I can tell this man is a manipulative son-of-a-bitch, and I know how narcissists get when they've been outed. And I just ruined his first chance at proximity to potential victims since he got out of prison. This is what bothers me, and I can't distance myself from him unless he moves out of our jurisdiction.

I decided I refuse to put myself in a situation where my will could be taken over by someone physically bigger and stronger than me. I will do whatever I need to defend me and my family. If a shit-bag is wanting to take me out badly enough, he or she might have a decent chance if they're smart enough, but not without me inflicting some serious damage on my way out.

Sounds alot like bullshit bravado to me when I go back and re-read it. But I mean it. If a shitbag gives me a good reason to make one less shitbag in the world, and I have to do it, I won't be losing any sleep.