Yeah, I haven't called my mother back, and I decided I will talk to my sister when I see her in a couple of weeks for a seminar. I went to bed the other night and prayed to something I might believe in to help me find answers to what the best thing to do is. Then I got it - the answer had to come from me. So when I got up the next morning, I erased the message without listening. Then, that evening, as my husband was listening to the rock station in the kitchen, and Crazy Train came on, I stiffened up and immediately felt like I was going to be sick. Then I realized, it's the fucking radio, it's not the ringtone. My reaction reaffirmed to me that I did the right thing.
I catch myself craving a drink more regularly again. I didn't drink much for the most part this year, mostly because I jumped off the high board at a Christmas party and had a hangover that caused me to believe I was going to die. But, damn, it seems to numb the anger for me. Or it numbs something that I'm not quite aware of yet. I know I've got to deal with this shit, and I guess I'm still scared that no contact is going to cause more problems than it will good. All I know is that I haven't once missed talking to the mother since the last time I spoke with her, and that's telling me something.
Yep. Sure is. Yikes, we've ALL done the "jump off the high board" and the hang-over from hell to remind us:
ReplyDelete-Oh shit, I hope I don't have to see those people for awhile or
-hmmm, maybe they won't remember either or
-if they do, they'll get over it a whole lot sooner than I'll get over this hang over, if I don't die first or
-(oh hell, just die!) or
-I'm not as young and...booze-proof as I use to be so
-Thanks for the reminder I'm not only hung over, I'm aging faster than my liver...what liver? Don't they regenerate or something?
Yep. Now, we KNOW this booze stuff isn't good for us-we're not stoopid. But think about this Bess: Can you actually articulate to YOURSELF exactly WHAT MORE PROBLEMS are gonna be caused by NC? Now listen, woman: You've been through war, famine, pestilence, death, trauma of various and sundry types (this is just the VERY short list) so WHAT'S LEFT? That you won't survive? And more importantly, THRIVE? This is a nasty little old lady who has made your life hell. She has no more POWER than you GIVE her-there is not one single thing she can *do* to you anymore. Nada. Zip. Zilch. You feel BETTER NOT DEALING with her.
Yep. Exactly, what does that tell ya? ;)
TW
The gist of the problem of going NC is what it will do to my sister and her family. What if the mother starts haranguing her and driving her more crazy because of me?
Delete"But, damn, it seems to numb the anger for me." YES! I once said to myself, "Good girls drink when they can't afford to be angry."
ReplyDeleteThe only thing worse than having a hang over you think you are going to die from, is when you realize you aren't going to die and you must see it through.
ReplyDeleteTrue dat.
DeleteTalk it over with Sis. Sis is an adult and it sounds like you have a good relationship-a rarity among sibs in these families. OTOH, Sis is free to make her own decisions re: yo momma. You both have independent relationships with her, as well as your relationship together. It sounds as if you feel responsible for handing the "Mother Problem" over to Sis, when in reality your decision isn't "handing" Sis a thing; most fundamentally, you're making a decision regarding what you are choosing to do based on your life time of experience and your relationship with your Cluster B Mother. Your "Role" as "Protector" for your sibling(s) is done-they're adults now and it's their responsibility to make their own decisions regarding who they will or will not tolerate in their lives or how to manage their relationships with, well, anyone-"family" or other. Yeah, I know it sounds like I'm making this sound a whole lot "simpler" than it is, but sometimes having someone who's not emotionally vested in the situation can help in terms of saying, "This is how it looks to me, respectfully." And Bess, that's all I'm doin' here, OK?
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts/feelings?
TW
Bess, going no contact does have ripple effects for the whole family, and no matter how good your relationship with your sister is, it will change. Often they try to restore balance by moving into the position you've vacated; or they ventriloquize for the NP. But not missing talking with your NM tells you all you need to know. After decades of cringing at the phone, of psyching up just to have the same, stupid cliched "chat" as always, I am frankly relieved that i finally do not have to talk to my NM any more. NF, well, I stay in contact with him, but have to endure the relentless pressure from him to "make things right" with NM. "She's the only mother you've got." is his favorite. My response: "no she's not. She's no kind of mother to me." Of course, he cannot understand this. And they've been divorced for almost 40 years! So no family can smoothly endure NC with any one member. You just have too decide how it feels to you to have the expectation of engaging with your NM. Your sister will not entirely understand, no matter what she says. It's hard.
ReplyDeleteI finally got a chance to speak with my sister this week. To my great relief, her response to me telling her that I thought I would go completely no contact with the mother was that I had to do what I had to do to keep my sanity. I definitely hit the lottery when I got to be related to my sister. I still worry about any backlash on her, though.
ReplyDeleteOhhh, just saw this. Good on Sis. I do believe she knows, Bess or at least has a good sense of what you've been through. She may be a whole lot stronger, more together, tougher, insightful than you know. I can only figure out one way to determine this and that is.....do it!
ReplyDeleteTW