I’m not going to be able to make it on [date I'm not going to].
I’ve enclosed a couple of [youngest DS]’s school pics for you.
I have some things I need to address. When you and [sis] disagree about something, please don’t let me know about it. That’s between you
and her.
Earlier this year when we spoke on the phone and I told you
I’ve had some anxiety and depression issues, I thought we could open the lines
of communication – like a fresh start. It took a lot for me to tell you these
things, because I really don’t trust that you won’t tell other people, but I
said it anyway. After I say these things, you tell me I can always tell you
things. Then you follow up with, “What took you so long to answer the phone?”
Really.
I think you are unaware of how much like your mother you
sound when you say those things. They sound petulant and passive-aggressive. I
know you opened your whole life to your mother and you perceive that she wasn’t
that bad. I am not willing to go through the things you went through for your
mother’s sake.
I know you want to have your kids in your life. I am
unwilling to submit to guilt trips, and I am unwilling to give you sympathy
over any falling-out you and any other member of the family have. I know any
time we have disagreed over anything (like the time I was angry you visited Dad
when I asked you not to), you have dragged other family members into the mix
(like Aunt []). I feel you are actively seeking sympathy when you do those
things.
I have made myself scarce since May 2012 because I have been
trying to decide if I can let go of a lot of personal problems I have with our
communications. Since I was a child, I’ve been in the habit of defending you
and allowing you to treat me as your best friend, letting you tell me all about
the problems you have with people you have surrounded yourself with. From
[creepy asshole #1], to [fuck-buddy #1], [creepy asshole #2] and his wife and his brother[fuck buddy #2], the
crazy lady who used to live behind you at your old place in [her town] who you
thought stole your rings, the crazy lady who you befriended who told you she
had thoughts of harming [cousin's] baby and who came to my doorstep looking for
you when you were at my house (and that woman’s father, too), the
mentally-challenged lady who lives down the street from you who you expect to
be on the same page as you. I believe you probably had something to do with
[fuck-buddy #1] kidnapping his children, and you are very lucky you were not
charged as an accessory. You and Dad chose your friends without regard to the
safety and well-being of your own children when we were young. You allowed your
mother to say cruel things to and about me, and all you could say was that she
didn’t mean to be that way. At what point are people responsible for
themselves? You have the right to surround yourself with the people of your
choice, but I am not party to that anymore.
Perhaps you will be angry at me for telling the truth as I
see it. So be it.
[Luckily, fuck-buddies #3 & #4 didn't play any real part in this chapter.]
Bess, You're at peace with your decision to send the letter and it's a done deal: Good for YOU.
ReplyDeleteWhat ever her response to the letter is actually immaterial as far as I'm concerned because it's no longer about your "mother;" the issue is you moving forward in what ever way YOU feel is necessary for YOUR well-being, OK? You've "done right" by Bess for a change ;) which indicates to me your priorities are absolutely right on target. It sounds as if you're settling some "stuff" in your own mind, aka, Progress!
I've watched as ACs struggled literally over every.last.word in attempting to communicate with their Cluster B "Parent(s.)" It's kinda painful for me to watch their efforts because I know no matter how carefully the AC constructs their correspondence, it will be twisted and repeatedly put through the Spin Cycle, but hey, give it hell, yk? What ever it takes for the AC to feel they're gaining control over their lives, telling their Truth, is what's best for them.
The other response from ACs I often see is fear: Now what response will the recipient of their letter employ? Sure, there's curiosity, and of course, great hope to be heard in there somewhere, to be validated in some way etc. Isn't that what we all want? An opportunity for a Fair Hearing in the Court of Cluster B Parents? Even if fear is not mentioned specifically, IMO it's so well inculcated in us from our earliest memories and experiences it's written almost irrevocably and has informed all of our responses to them to some degree even in our adult lives. (Note the "almost.")
I hope you keep in mind you're responsible for the effort, not the outcome, Bess. To paraphrase a Post from Anna V's "Narcissists Suck," "Where you have no power, you bear no responsibility." Ever.
Please let us know which of a plethora of options your "mother" employs in response, not because of simple prurient interest. I'm certain it will result in yet another manifestation of her life-long campaign to deny your reality, your Truth and her accountability as well as culpability in actively promoting the years of use and abuse/neglect wrought by her and your "father" on you. From the time of your birth as an infant and later a child, your vulnerable and innocent little mind, heart and body compelled complete dependence upon them. By the time you became an adult your dependence upon them of course changed drastically as well it should. That Legacy instilled by our "parents" remains and continues to play out in multiple manifestations in our Adult lives-until we confront that Legacy directly.
Ultimately IMO making ourselves "whole" *ideally* would include Accountability from the Perpetrators. But in the real world of Cluster B "Parents" that will never happen: Invalidation continues. Their refusal to consider-never mind respect-the very real concerns of their AC openly and honestly forecloses *any* possibility for remediation of the relationship because there is NO "Common Ground" which would offer that opportunity.
Bess, FWIW, I do have a sense of what a slog all this is, how exhausting, how terrifying at times, how profoundly sad I felt in allowing the Light of Truth to penetrate. And yes, I *am* angry. The anger isn't active and certainly isn't an over-arching theme in my life now. Nonetheless, if I can not allow myself to feel moral outrage over the abuse/neglect perpetrated on ANY child, my Indoctrination and Relentless Training into the Cult of Cluster B Family would have been total *and* irrevocable: The implications of that outcome would ensure my moral compass was broken beyond repair, indeed irrevocably.
TW
The thing is to lay it out there clearly (as you did) and then the ball is in their court. IMO, the odds of a narc responding in a positive way are pretty much nil and simply accepting that is liberating. Remember, acceptance does not imply approval. For me it was a deep sigh and the realization that it's finally off my chest. As we say in AA, "It is what it is."
ReplyDeleteIn these situations narcs often manage to pound the final nail into their own coffins, which is probably the only nice thing they've ever done for us.