Today I realized something I have stuffed for a lot of years. Back in the day, when I was a teen, we had a neighbor who was going through a divorce who my mother befriended. She believed the sun rose and set on his ass. He ended up trying to illegally abscond with his children. Luckily, he was caught (dramatically, of course) at a rest stop about 2 miles away from the town we lived in. Gunpoint, all that jazz. My mother used to babysit the kids on occasion. I remember trying to tell her that I thought this guy was molesting his daughter because of some of the weird ways she would act, and she completely dismissed me. I also told her this guy gave me the creeps over him eyeballing me when mom sent me down to play with his kids at their backyard pool when I was 14 or 15. It occurred to me today that my mother most likely had something to do with the kidnapping plan, or at the very least had knowledge of it, because he was one of her fuck-buddies while my father was out of town. I was letting my latest angry pustule come to a head, and I was writing her another letter which I thought I probably wouldn't send (just like the other letters) when I let my fingers go and typed whatever. I re-read the letter and was surprised that I put that in there. And I thought about it, and I knew it was the Truth. And I finally got off my fence and put that motherfucking letter in the mailbox.
I'm not sorry.
The content of my letter wasn't quite as dramatic but, DAMN, I still remember how great I felt when it slipped through the mail slot and I knew there was no way to turn back. And...I remember finally not giving a shit what happened next.
ReplyDeleteYou go girl!
Go Bess!
ReplyDeleteJust keep yourself out of the Blast Zone when she detonates-she will. A waif-type can turn into a one-person waste explosion when you're unmasking them especially when you've hit the Target.
TW
Trust me what ever your gut is telling you was reality. The real reality is probably worse than you could ever imagine.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure my letter is all that dramatic, but it is pretty plain-spoken. This whole thing came about because mother started phone-bombing me and I thought maybe she had a real emergency, so I answered. She started off inviting me to a surprise party for her sister that Mother is trying to arrange, then went on to the death of an aunt-by-marriage that I haven't seen for 10 years, then went into how she just got off the phone with my sister and how sis "misunderstood" something she said - i.e., mother was being a bitch and sis called her on it. (Sis & I had a text venting session right after this, and I got the truth.) It just stewed and stewed. I've been doing some meditation training and the weekend after she called was a training weekend, and some of the exercises had to do with letting go of the experiences your parents have put you through. I tried to let it all go, and I just felt sick and uptight. I don't think the letter has reached her yet; tomorrow will probably either bring phone-bombing or sobbing or...maybe nothing. Kinda wasn't sure about posting what I wrote, and I thought about posting it, but I also thought I had saved it, and now I can't find the file. I started with telling her to never tell me anything about disagreements she has with my sister, which led into her attempts to garner sympathy by dragging family members into it. Then there was some specific points made about people she and dad had exposed me and my sister to, thusly my belief about her being lucky she wasn't charged with specific shit. It ended something like, if you're mad about me speaking the truth as I see it, so be it.
ReplyDeleteShe'll call me if she wants, but I won't answer. I think complete no contact may be what I need to get over this shit. I'll have to have a conversation with my sister soon to gauge how this will affect the relationship between her and me. Mother could try to turn her into a flying monkey, but I don't think she will, because I don't think my sis knows or remembers much about mom's kidnapper friend, and if Mom brings it up, I will ask sis to tell mother to show her the letter.
Oh, yeah, one of the individuals that was mother's friend had serious mental health problems and expressed a desire to hurt my cousin's baby, who mother babysat once in a while. I learned this after the fact, and sis and I let mom have it about letting these people in her house. Mother said, "It's not like I would have let her do it." Huh. Fucking dumbass. So, if she won't take the letter to her brother, because that would mean he would see that little nugget in there about crazy-bitch that mom let be around his grandchild.
I really anticipate she won't do a thing. If she writes to me, I will read it out of sheer curiosity, but I know if she does it will be a non-apology. If she brings the stuff in the letter up, it will highlight her shortcomings as a human being. She's been known to surprise me before. She might send me a letter back disowning me, but that would be too easy.
It's like there's a fire in my head, and it's so hard to peel back the layers of memory to find the source of the destruction. It's getting closer. Little frightened about what else I might see more clearly, but exhilarated.
I agree with TW If there is a way she can use your words to smear you she will. They are so goddamn creative in these endeavors it boggles the mind. Expect for every one you know to see what you wrote. And interpreted through her sick dysfunctional lens
ReplyDeleteMy parents did absolutely nothing, but kept on paying happy families. I wondered if they even got the letter but they told my brother they'd received a letter that was too horrible to show him. I had planned for an explosion or (long shot) an apology.
ReplyDeleteWho cares? It finally made me accept that things between us would never change and I had to face NC as the only solution for my own mental health.
Make that, "playing" happy families!
ReplyDeleteToday's the day she should receive the letter. It's like waiting for the great unfinished ending. I won't believe she got it until after the end of the postal service work day.
ReplyDelete