Received a reply in the mail today from Mother. Some of it seemed rather sincere, like "I'm not angry, I'm hurt. Sometimes the truth hurts." peppered with "How did my friends hurt you" and "Of course I've told stuff about you to family. Like it or not they're family, too." Oh, and and adamant denial about her fuck-buddy... "No Way!" I'm confused. She admits what I say is the truth and then either denies it or justifies it. This is worse for me to process than either being lit up or cut out. I'm being manipulated, and I'm still confused. She ended the letter by asking me to come to her sister's surprise party again and promising not to pick a fight with me. I suppose this would be for her to pretend that I've "forgiven" her.
She set out to confuse you and plant doubts, so this is a job well done. Narcissists don't keep promises, they use them to "hoover" us back into the endless cycle of going back for more abuse. This is why NC ends up being the only option.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought reading this was that you shouldn't have opened her letter. It seems to me that this is a very typical narcissist response designed to confuse and guilt you. I think you're right about her motives regarding the surprise party.
ReplyDeleteOK, So you've received a typical Cluster B Cluster Fuck Mommy Response. Let's take a good look at this goody and we have:
ReplyDelete-some "I" statements which are ambiguous at best and are most accurately viewed through the the lens of your overwhelming evidence to date that if she's breathing she's lying-or trying to send you off in the opposite direction. Note the BLATANT LIE about her fuck-buddy a few short sentences later? Recall her previous BLATANT lie about your abuse and her collusion in it? I rest my case about that particular example. *All* of this reply should be viewed through the perspective of your entire life with her and her constant lying *always* about matters that hit real close to home for her as well as more mundane matters. She's established herself as a dishonest person through out your life ie.,You've satisfied yourself she's dishonest in dealing with you.
-"How did my friends hurt you?" This is nothing but a fishing expedition, takes the heat off her and HER behavior and offers a potential in for her to continue to engage you, pull you in, *prove to HER satisfaction* YOUR position-so she can invalidate it. Note the obvious attempt to play dumb, obfuscate and place the onus on YOU to "defend" yourself. If she can get you on the Defensive, to cave to a single demand of her's, she's got cha and she knows it. She's glommed onto this lil' tid-bit for a power ploy play despite the reality it is a peripheral but still related to the issues presented by YOU-and she knows it. She's dancin' around it completely.
-"Of course I've told stuff about you to family" but it's been BS, lies, pot-stirring etc. intended to paint you as a ULB "DD." The Slime and Malign Campaign continues unabated. Give you sister a Heads-Up: Mom's on her way to do a work-up refresher course on your sister now that you're turning up the heat. She knows your relationship with your sister is truly meaningful and valuable to you, unlike her's with her sister.
-"Like it or not they're family, too." A very thinly, transparently disguised statement of HOW you "should" see Family aka HER. That's not only a invalidating statement, it's a slam, Bess.
"Manipulated" and "I'm still confused." Bada-BING ya got it, Bess! Yes and yes to both. She not only denies and justifies, she lies, demands, obfuscates, attempts to hijack the peripheral topics of your note and/or completely ignores them and ends with a thorough brushing it all under the rug; yk, "this is all such..nonsense, so let's cut to the Clear Entry now that I've dispatched with the particulars" with a guilt-inducing cookie to boot: They're FAMILY (see above) so be a big girl and come to HER sister's, your Aunt's Surprise Party and she "promises" not to "pick a fight with you." Ohferchrissakes, she's maybe a 4/5 yr. old and has her fingers crossed behind her back! WHY oh why would you believe any of her "Promises" about ANYTHING!!! Through out that reply, she weaves the theme of Family and continues to build on it until the core issues, your very REAL feelings, experiences and concerns are buried under the solids from her septic tank self.
What's MISSING HERE??? Ohhh, just about anything and everything you addressed in your note. No true acknowledgement, no attempt to open the conversation, not the *slightest* indicator you were even heard and of course, not even the weakest effort at an apology. Nada. She's dumb like a fox. Once again, it's *all about HER.* I not only needed my barn boots to wade around all that, but a respirator as well: The odor commin' off that lil' gem is like the stink on a road kill raccoon. (Or the body farm with a fresh donor!)
TW
No contact sounds pretty damn good right now. This low contact thing obviously isn't working very well.
ReplyDeleteBess, FWIW, I believe *all* ACs should give LC a good shot for a variety of reasons but primarily for one: My biggest concern regarding terminating the relationship with Psychobitch was, "How am I going to feel about ending my relationship with her in the future? Am I going to feel GUILTY for doing this?" Of course, we can't predict how we're gonna feel down the road. The huge advantage of what's called "LC" now was it kept our "relationship" to a snail mail level. No more ambushing DWI phone calls, no more "visits" to either home, no meeting out in public for lunch etc.: Nothing but the letters. Letters in her handwriting I could peruse at my leisure *and* repeatedly.
ReplyDeleteThe letters I received from her were very much like the one above you received. All the tactics we typically see were employed-except I could now seem them CLEARLY. And repeatedly.
The "Final Straw," the decision to NC was brought about by receiving another letter from her. There was not *one bit of difference* between this particular letter and all the others preceding. There was *not* a huge blow-up etc. one might assume accompanies, "That's It, I'm Done."
In fact, it was the very SAMENESS, the relentless UNCHANGING, the INTRACTABILITY of Psychob's perverse refusal to accept *any* responsibility for *anything* that did it for me, or even so much as an acknowledgement of my concerns. I accepted she was who she was and was not going to change. Looking into the indefinite future, *this* is exactly what I could expect<That bought me to my knees, right there. I could not and in fact would not do this to myself-or her-any longer: If my presence isn't helping, my absence won't hurt.
And it didn't, Bess. I felt no guilt then nor have I *ever* since that time which also includes her death. I remained hard-core, complete NC after that polite 4 line note to her stating I did not wish to have any further contact with her, ever. My life changed dramatically for the better despite her post NC stalking etc. I would not trade those years, almost two decades worth of her Scorched Earth War against her "DD" for the quality of my life from that decision forward.
It takes what it takes for all of us, Bess. This is a highly personal decision. In the Court of Bess, your life and your experiences with her to date are the standard for "Beyond a Reasonable Doubt." You started with, "A hunch, a mere suspicion," worked your way through "A preponderance of Evidence" to the end of the line: "Beyond a Reasonable Doubt." You have satisfied yourself, "This is what ails," apportioned Accountability rightfully laid at her feet and fully understand she is *not* going to hear you never mind change-ever: What you see is what you're gonna get until (and likely beyond-their Will is a reach-back final bitch-slap) her death.
Through out this period, particularly since your father's death, my sense has been you've been grieving a lot of other losses as well. I thought one of them was the grief over the loss of a mother you never had. It seems you've been an orphan far longer than you previously recognized.
I'm so sorry, Bess. I have a real sense personally of how that feels and it hurts. A LOT.
TW
TW, For me, the LC period was a necessary step that I needed to take to make me realize that NC was the only option if I was to survive both emotionally and physically. I too did the "snail-mail only route" and I too have saved their letters. If I waiver, which happens seldom these days, they remind me that nothing will EVER change
DeleteYou know, I've thought way too much about this bullshit and the time I'll never get back that I wasted on thinking. I think the answer is that I have to let go of being right in her eyes, but I don't know quite how. Do I just subsist in LC hell? Do I write and tell her that I forgive her and thank her for the lessons she's taught me and then pull the plug? I'm fighting hard to keep away the idea of writing her back and explaining things from my point of view in greater detail. That would be a big waste of time. Such a mindfuck.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I've thought way too much about this bullshit and the time I'll never get back that I wasted on thinking. I think the answer is that I have to let go of being right in her eyes, but I don't know quite how. Do I just subsist in LC hell? Do I write and tell her that I forgive her and thank her for the lessons she's taught me and then pull the plug? I'm fighting hard to keep away the idea of writing her back and explaining things from my point of view in greater detail. That would be a big waste of time. Such a mindfuck.
ReplyDeleteI wrote my 1st letter, then stupidly wasted my time making two more attempts to get them to understand my point of view. Since it took me two weeks to carefully word and reword the 1st letter you'd think a reasonably intelligent person like me would figure out that they're never going to get it because they have absolutely no interest in getting it!
ReplyDeleteThis when I finally realized they controlled me through a lifetime of conditioning. My emotions kept saying, "If only you can find the right words they'll love and respect you." Took a while to overcome the conditioning but finally my brain said, "Fuck 'em!" and I walked away.
You'll get there when you're ready, Bess.
Bess, Yk, you don't have to make a decision right this minute. I get what you mean about spending so much time thinking about this stuff-I did too. I was really, really hoping I could maintain a formal but distant relationship with Psychob but she was having none of it. As I was pulling further and further away from her both geographically and in my mind, it was as if she sensed her control over me was failing. Instead of letting go-or at least loosening her grip, she upped the ante and became nastier and more demanding yet. (Yet another example of the classic ass-backwards responses we see typically from NPs.) When you say, "Do I just subsist in LC hell?" I guess that says it all regarding the LC Option. Reality is, sure, there's no reason why you couldn't continue to do what you're doing-it's always an option, hellish as it truly is. But I would say respectfully, be *very aware* of where and what your personal Bottom Line actually is: If you don't know I can assure you, there is no low, no bottom to which these Cluster Bs will not go in their effort to maintain *their* illusions. NONE. You were long ago sacrificed on the Altar of Appearances and no acknowledgement or attempt at restitution has ever been made. That's gotta hurt.
ReplyDeleteI do believe there is a Criminal Mindset inherent in these people: They are unabashed thieves of their children's unconditional love/childhood, they extort a horrific price in terms of time/effort/energy throughout our lives, they *do* know what they're doing is WRONG as they are able to control their behavior for the most part in public saving their worst abuses for behind closed doors and the only limit to their behavior is the likelihood of getting caught or being held accountable.
As far has "How To" in terms of NC, "there must be 50 ways to leave your mother." ;) I'm personally glad I kept my little note very short, maybe 4 lines. I addressed her by her first name, *not* "Mom." She didn't deserve the title: In my mind, that would be a degradation of the word and of all the Moms who truly ARE. I knew she was never going to even acknowledge any wrong doing (she's perfect, don't cha know) and anything more I said would be twisted and distorted beyond recognition. From this time/distance, I'm wondering why I even thought I somehow "owed her" any explanation: I was an ADULT, for gawds sake, an EQUAL to her, not some little kid who has to 'splain myself to mommy! Yeesch. That's just an indicator of how deep my indoctrination to The Cult of Crazy truly was, yk?
Why not write that letter just for you? I found putting it in writing helped me sort stuff out, it was a tangible reminder and I had a place-my personal journal-where I could jot down these "Memory Bubbles" that would surface often out of no where and leave me just reeling for days internally. My journal gave me a place to process this stuff, put it in some kind of half-way coherent order. Actually, it's really a kind of "Letters to Myself."
What ever you decide, when ever you decide to do it is entirely up to you, Bess. You know you'll get a ton of support from all of us: There isn't one among us who hasn't struggled with exactly the same stuff theme-wise with which you're grappling now and have been for years.
It absolutely is hell, IMO.
TW
TW, The abuse from my parents definitely escalated when I went LC and told them I'd be happy to help whenever THEY ASKED ME. Always being wrong gave me the idea that I was a good daughter but a poor mind reader. As you've all heard, to this day, they have never asked for help.
DeleteNarcs are so fucked up, that it's quite typical for them to be increasingly abusive as they sense you slipping through their fingers. Maybe they think tightening their grip will work but in many cases it is the final straw that gives their victim the courage to walk away.
That whole 'caress with one hand and slap with the other' is (as far as I can tell) typical of the narcs replying to these letters. And everyone - EVERY ULB, has sent these letters.
ReplyDeleteLay out the facts, in bullet points for clarity even! And ask for a reasoned, to-the-point reply. 'Let's discuss A, B, and C' you say. And the reply?
Yeah. Your reply is what they do. "Yes, but no!" and then "I sent you a reply you should be happy come back and do what I want".
And the part where she promises not to pick a fight with you? NASTY. All subtext of that remark points to her knowing that she knowingly picks fights with you. That you have BEEN RIGHT ALL ALONG. That she is fucking with your head all the damned time. She admits it right there. But she wants you to be a good doggie and come along anyway.
You're on the right road. I'm completely rooting for you.