Why?

Forgiveness bothers me. Not in general. Just personally. If I did vicious, hurting-other-people shit, I would not expect forgiveness. I would expect to have to suck it up. I wouldn't have the balls to ask for someone to forgive me. I know how to say I'm sorry and take my lumps. Part of showing honest intent is being available to show it.

But I'm a grudge-fucker, too. I remember the little shit and the big shit and the in-between shit. Forgetting would be a divine gift, and I'm no good at it.

What the hell is forgiveness, really? Is it letting people who are harmful have another chance? Another chance to - what? Try to erase the shit they did by proffering awkward acts they maybe don't mean? Making them prove and prove and prove until they're sick of proving and snap again? At what point are the people doing the forgiving then in the debt of the second (third, fourth, fifth)chance people? Harmful means different stuff from person to person, too. If people get along, we get along. If we don't, can we just let go and allow everyone to go down whatever path without further interference? Or do we have to punish ourselves by letting other people "be who they are" at the cost of our own "who we are" and vice versa?

Is forgiveness just not hating someone for causing hurt?

Maybe forgiveness is Karma? Which isn't really all that heart-warming and kind, I guess. But it is nice to decide we don't have to worry about the dickheads and assholes of the world because what they do will come back to 'em in good time.

Another One of Those Days

My attitude sucks shit today.

I cringed at everything all day long and felt mean and bitchy.

The worker who whined because she had work to do.

The lady making excuses for why her stoned husband ran the family car into the back of a semi and she and her kids are hurt.

The loudmouth, clueless little girl making excuses for her POS boyfriend in the can.

The skank and her big stoopid boyfriend who are seeking revenge on an asshole kid by filing false reports about him, and they got caught and defensive about it.

The guy who called to whine about the restrictiveness of the sex offender system on his brother-in-law. Complainer stated he used to be in law enforcement and he has no sympathy for offenders, blah-de-blah, but his BIL really did not do this thing he's about to plead guilty to and this just doesn't seem fair, especially since he might get kicked out of low-income housing. Then, whatever will he do with winter coming on? (Surely he won't be welcome at whatever place he allegedly molested that little girl.)

The bitch-face who decided to change up the system of payment at my kid's daycare, thusly making it far more friggin' difficult than it needs to be. Jesus criminy, the system worked just fucking fine for years before you took over. Proof that change does not always equal good.

The weirdo gawking at me like I grew an extra head while I was stalking back to work after lunch.

This day blows. Its only saving grace is it's almost over and then I can hug my important people for awhile and pretend this day never happened.

Because I'm Scared

I decided to get my permit to carry. This isn't something I wanted to do when the opportunity was first presented . I felt that it was a non-issue for me, and I didn't feel I needed that kind of accessibility. I was pretty down with my Stroam.

Then, last week, I pissed off some guy by calling Human Services to report that he moved in with a female "friend" and her teen daughters. His MO was sexual contact with his wife's teen daughter some years ago, and he was just released from prison less than 2 months ago. Through research, it is alleged the daughters were just perped on by this woman's previous fling.

I'm scared of this guy in a way I'm not usually scared of these shitbags. I'm used to being angry, and I'm really damn good at it, but the scary feeling reminds me of being little, way before I became angry. I'm pissed at this fucking girlfriend of his who seems to be whoring her kids out so she can have a man in her life. I've spoken with this guy a few times, and he did not mince words with me when he said, "Thanks for the nice report to DHS." Then he tried to back-pedal and say, no, no, I'm really grateful someone's looking out for these poor kids. Fuck you, douchebag. I can tell this man is a manipulative son-of-a-bitch, and I know how narcissists get when they've been outed. And I just ruined his first chance at proximity to potential victims since he got out of prison. This is what bothers me, and I can't distance myself from him unless he moves out of our jurisdiction.

I decided I refuse to put myself in a situation where my will could be taken over by someone physically bigger and stronger than me. I will do whatever I need to defend me and my family. If a shit-bag is wanting to take me out badly enough, he or she might have a decent chance if they're smart enough, but not without me inflicting some serious damage on my way out.

Sounds alot like bullshit bravado to me when I go back and re-read it. But I mean it. If a shitbag gives me a good reason to make one less shitbag in the world, and I have to do it, I won't be losing any sleep.

Struggle to the Surface

My 19-year-old has now been accepted for SSI. I helped him file was because his needs are greater than what I can provide since he wants to live semi-independently. He's very excited about the ability to live away from me which I easily understand since at that age I would rather have chewed off my fucking foot than lived with my parents. At his age, I already had a one-year-old child and had jumped into adulthood with both feet. I discovered adulthood to be less of a struggle than what my parents made it out to be. After living 18 years with them, the new hell was preferable. I don't know how my boy will do in the real world. I know I can't buffer him forever. The lessons I learned were such tough ones, and I learned them with an average intellect, although I was socially retarded from my strange upbringing. It only took me a few years to figure some stuff out, and he's like a young teen in some ways.

The living situation he desires isn't really going to be like throwing him to the wolves. He'll have some daily assistance with finances and other things that haven't crossed his radar before. He'll probably have roommates of similar functioning. At least with other people at his life level, I hope he won't have to struggle with people taking advantage of his loneliness and willingness to make friends. I hope.

He's very high-functioning and very odd. His speech is rather disjointed and he'll discuss certain subjects inapropos of situation. He is somewhat like Sheldon Cooper in both good ways and bad. His restlessness and stress radiate from him like heat when he's struggling. He's tall and blonde and grown-up looking, and unless you talk to him, you might not notice his struggle. You might notice that he has a strange gait, I guess, if you saw him walking down the street.

I love him so much. I hope he really knows that. I hope he doesn't ever know how scared I am for him.

Snarky Little Fuckers

Certain people have that uber-critical air about them that nothing can shed them of. The thing you did correctly yesterday is now the very thing you know better than to have done today, in their haughty eye. Well, here's how I feel about this snifter of bu-shwa:

Fuck off. I have learned to accept that I cannot please you whether or not I try, so just take a fucking leap. I see now that this is YOUR problem, and this is what makes you a very difficult person to be around. The things that you want change with the breeze. I wish you had it in you to change, but - Wish in one hand, shit in the other - see which one fills up first! And all I get for wishing is a handful of crap. If you like me - if you loathe me - it doesn't matter to me right now. I am what I am, and what I am  most of all right now is pissed. So there. I know I cannot say this shit to your face without creating a war that is unwinnable, so I will take my strikes right here - where anyone who has had to deal with the likes of  you can commiserate and get in their jabs, too.

Yes, ma'am. If you could just fuck right on off over there, that'd be great. Mmmmmkay?

Amazing Gift

I just took a spontaneous Sunday afternoon nap and received the greatest unsolicited gift in the form of a dream. I can't explain it well, but it was about flying. It was very realistic and beautiful, just stunning and freeing.

I've had dreams about flying a handful of times before, but never like this.

I wish I could share this dream with everyone who wants good dreams, life, freedom. No fear, just beauty.

For everyone.

Well, Then.

This weekend was my niece's christening, at which I was worried the mom would make a big fat ugly scene. As it turned out, she had plenty of attention from others, which was great for me. I really only spoke to her once for about five minutes, but it was during a time when we were surrounded by others. At that time, she blurted out the laundry list of things she's going through right now, like she knew I had her on a time limit and she had to get everything in. That was about the time I had to go.

There is a big disconnect between the way I thought she would act and the way she actually did. I'm pleasantly, yet uncomfortably, baffled. She didn't pull any croc tears or guilt trips, although that could be explained away by her not wanting the people who were paying attention to her to see it. It could also be explained that she was receiving her required attention from another source and the fact that it wasn't me was a moot point. She didn't try to corner me AT ALL, which was fantastic, but it makes me wonder what the fuck she's up to. Is this a game? Maybe some of her N-traits have left. (Yeah, bullshit.)

I am relieved that baby's christening did not become "All About Granny." It strikes me that during the brief time she had to speak with me, she didn't ask about my eldest son, who did not come with us. She talked non-stop about herself. This was her abridged version of "All About Granny."

The thing is, after all the tears and guilt she's thrown at me in the past, she seemed not-at-all upset about my low-contact. Which is great - I think? I don't want to hurt her. I guess that my not meaning that much to her overall happiness, though, is a dichotomy from how she has presented in recent history.  She found other sources. She's fine.

I'm really not, but I wouldn't be, regardless.

Yesterday, I picked up a book I read some years ago, and I decided to read it again. It's called "The Secret Life of the Lonely Doll" by Jean Nathan. It's a true story about Dare Wright, an incredibly talented woman who created a whole line of children's books a few decades ago. Her mother was a narcissist who stole any chance of a normal life this woman had. It's a sad, fascinating story. When I read this book initially, I didn't recognize her mother as a narcissist. Knowing what I know now, it's more sad, but it's an interesting story. For those of us who escaped, it's something of a "what could have happened" kick-in-the-jaw.